Here you will find just a few of the relationship questions that Javon answers on a daily basis. I think my husband is on the down low? Dear Javon, A few years ago my hubby got incarcerated on a drug charge and was sent away for a year and a half. All while he was locked up I was remained faithful with the hopes that when he got out we could try to work on starting a family. He’s been out now for four months and he’s like a completely different person. Whenever the subject of us having a baby or sex comes up he always manages to turn it into an argument. Before he went away we use to have sex all the time but now that he’s back he hardly ever touches me and it feels like he sleeps on the couch half the time to avoid me. At first I just thought he needed some time to adjust to being home but knew something was wrong because when we do have sex he cant even stay hard long enough to finish. My girlfriends told me that he could have an erectile problem but what they don’t know is that a few weeks ago I found three gay dvds hid under the seat of his car in a plastic bag with a receipt. I know I had no right searching thru his car but I didn’t know what else to do. He been acting so strange lately that he be driving me crazy and now I really don’t know what to do. Help!!!! Answer from Javon: Before I begin let me just say that I must first give you mad props for sticking by your husband while he was locked up. Although your husband getting locked up was completely dumb and idiotic as all get out on his part, I still have to say that you definitely adhered to that part of your wedding vows that says for better or for worse. I also wanna say that I’m glad that you chose to share your problem with me because in doing so you are helping so many other women that are standing in similar shoes. Now on to your dilemma. I’ve always been the type to believe that a person should be free to be whatever they choose to be, whether that’s gay, straight or bisexual. That should be their choice and no one else should judge or outcast them for that decision. However, the only thing that I do have a problem with is when that decision has the potential to harm or even kill someone that is completely unaware of that person’s choice of lifestyle. This is why men on the down low are so dangerous to themselves, society and the oblivious women that they are in relationships with. The fact that these men don’t care enough about their wives, girlfriends or sexual flings to be open and honest about their secret desires is what vexes most people. By keeping such a deep dark secret and continuing to lead a double life, these men are actually taking away their partner’s right to choose whether or not to stay in such a relationship. Cheating is bad enough, even when it’s done with a member of the opposite sex, but I think it’s magnified three times over when a woman suspects that her man is creeping with another man. Why? Because a good majority of women have enough self-esteem problems as is—the last thing they are ready to deal with is their big, strong, man of the house choosing the man of some other household to sleep with over them. Conclusion: In your particular situation your snooping around behind your husband’s back is completely understood and justified, considering that your life is basically at stake here. I think every woman has the right to know if their man is bisexual or gay, and if he isn’t going to volunteer that information forthright then she has the right to find out by any means necessary to protect herself. I will say though, that no one should take such underhanded steps unless they have some firm reasons to believe that someone they love is intentionally keeping something like this from them. And judging from your email and the complete 360 degree change in your husband’s sex drive since his brief jail stint, I would say that you have more than a few valid reasons. Keep in mind that your husband’s time spent in jail isn’t so much the issue here…at least from where I’m sitting its not. What I think stands out more is the fact that immediately upon his release he wasn’t and still hasn’t been chasing you all around the house to have sex. Hell, after 2 days in jail I would be a sex crazed maniac with nothing on my mind except sex, sex, and more sex with my woman. That’s why to me, him not stalking you for sex every second of the day is the biggest red flag there is. As for the gay porn that you found stashed underneath his car seat (and the fact that the average homophobic, heterosexual guy has problems walking past a gay club), consider yourself fortunate to find such a black and white clue. Most girlfriends and wives in your situation wish they could find something so obvious and plain. Just remember that although your snooping did produce some pretty compelling evidence, that still doesn’t replace the fact that the two of you need to sit down and talk about this out in the open, so you can hopefully hear it from his own lips. Sweetheart, you need to be honest with your husband about your discovery as well as the reasons you felt the need to poke around behind his back. Whatever you do, do not disregard the fact that you’ve seen the gay porn videos with your own two eyes, therefore with that fact alone he owes you an explanation of some kind at the least. And you best believe you need to go to your doctor or clinic, ASAP, to get tested for HIV and any other sexually transmitted diseases. If by chance that your husband doesn’t come clean or at least give some damn good reasons for hiding gay porn in his car, and for his distant behavior of late, you really should consider moving on. And you really should be thanking God for opening your eyes when he did, and counting your blessings that the two of you don’t have any children together. Because if you did have children it would only make this situation worse than it already is, and probably even harder for you to move on if it comes to that. BTW, you might wanna check out my new book ‘The Chapters of Ecstasy’ because a couple of the stories in it are loosely based on the type of situation you’re dealing with. God Bless!
For loads more of every kind of relationship question you can think of just visit Javon's Column by clicking on the following link: Ask Javon
All question should be sent to: AskJavon@TrimaxxPublishers.com
The Leather Master Answer from Javon: You really got yourself a situation on your hands, my friend. On one hand you say that this woman you speak of is basically your soul mate, your everything—however for the two of you to truly be together she would have to walk away from her friends, family (everyone she cares deeply about) to be with you. Asking someone to walk away from their loved ones to become your property is a tough demand to put on anyone, regardless what type of lifestyle they may lead. While I’ve never fully entered into the whole Dom and Master world, I do have good friends that are deep into the lifestyle. Just from my observation, I do know that there is no middle ground for Masters such as you. You take your lifestyle choice very seriously, you eat, sleep and drink it daily, and expect nothing less from those that you collar and brand, am I correct? If you and this woman that you speak of are truly friends, lovers and fuck buddies, trust me she knows this, which is the reason that she knows she’s not ready for that type of commitment, yet. 32 years is an extremely long time to be the type of friends that the two of you are and still be so close. Although your situation is different from the typical relationships of other men and women (just in terms of the lifestyle) in a sense it’s still very much alike. Basically all you want to do is take things to the next level with this friend of yours…in other words attach a title. But you see, just like in traditional relationships, sometimes a title can destroy a perfectly good thing. Sometimes it’s just best to leave things the way they are for now and just let nature take its course. After all, she’s known all about how you get down for years, however that hasn’t come between what the two of you have. That could actually be a glimmer of something possible in the future. Although the big hindrance could very well be the walking away from her family and friends part. Love makes us do some crazy things in life, but that’s a choice I’m sure she’d rather not make.
You meet, become friends, go your separate ways, never stop writing, calling, or visiting. Through the years (32) you become soul mates in every shape and form except the different life styles. You are friends, lovers; fuck buddies, the others right arm and left leg, you are her left heart she holds the right, but can never be that soul partner because of your differences of your sex lives. You would give your life at any moment for this person.
I am a LEATHER MASTER. I LIVE my life style around my everyday life. I am old school. I want to collar and brand her ass with every drop of blood inside my soul. She would have to walk away from friends, family, everything in her life to be MINE. "Refuse anything less."
ANY ANSWERS????????????????????
I have been dating this guy for a little while now and I have some concerns...i wanted to know is it just me!? Answer from Javon Sweetheart, this is much bigger problem than a mere, childish, temper tantrum. It’s also larger than a mild case of a man behaving selfishly. I personally believe that the early stages of a relationship are when both men and women need to pay extra close attention to their partner’s behavior, before they invest too much of their priceless time and emotions. Everything about your email screams an extremely big jealousy issue on your man’s part. These are signs that deep down he has an insecurity problem that causes him to jump to conclusions and fly off the handle for no apparent reason. Keep in mind that if you’ve never given this man any reason to suspect you of cheating in the past then this could very well be the trimmer that precedes a major earthquake down the line. You truly need to sit this guy down again and reiterate where your priorities lie, and let him know that he’s not your husband, therefore family first! You can then remind him that none of this is new to him and that if he can’t trust you then he should move on because you are not the one for this shit. You have entirely too many headaches and responsibilities to be dealing with nonsense like that. By standing your ground and giving him an ultimatum you’re basically showing him that your world doesn’t revolve around him. If you stoop to his level and entertain this cramp you are just setting yourself up for a long list of other shit to come. Trust me, I understand all too well the time that’s demanded of a person when they are on a mission to achieve a better life for their family. Never put no one but God before that drive and determination, and above all else, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! God Bless!
SO WHO'S RIGHT?!
Dear Javon,
I am a single mom, who works and goes to school full time! when I first started seeing this guy I made it very clear that on occasions I get extremely busy.... and was looking for someone who understood that I have a son and a mother( a retiree) who I care for ( financially) so " I bee on my grind" ya know! I’m all about making my money and taking care of home.....that’s where my responsibility lays!
Now just the other day I spent the evening with him... I cooked him and two other visiting family members dinner and I even spent the night ( something that is a big NO-NO for me, because him and I aren't married). The next day I spent the entire day in the salon........and doing various other errands and most of all spending time with my son.
when I returned home upon checking my answering machine....and listening to his multiple messages.....accusing me of cheating and playing games etc........
we argued......I was very upset because I made it clear to him that I was busy woman ....but I have made every effort to balance my time...between all my activities!
Should I feel guilty or is he being childish and selfish!?
PLEASE HELP!
Should I feel guilty about getting satisfied?
Hello Javon,
It looks like you're pretty good at dishing out real in your face advice so here we go! I've been kicking it with a guy for a couple of years now but as of late I'm started to feel a little…no, a lot cheated on the sexual aspect. Now we both can be a little freaky but the difference is it's a one way street. He comes up with ideas that are to his benefit only! As I said in one of my earlier responses he doesn't give head - but loves to receive it! Hey, girl got skills LOL...(couldn't resist). Ok I could deal with that if I was still getting some level of intimacy/freakiness of some sort. It ain't happening and I'm getting a little frustrated. I'm trying to be a good girl and remain kicking it with him only but I feel like I'm about to explode. I feel like I can't be myself cause I'm tired of being on the short end of the stick so I'm holding it all in. I'm ready to get my freak on but refuse to do so with him unless we're both benefiting! Although most of the things we do gives me some satisfaction -hey I like to please but at the same time need some pleasin’ my self! Getting a little tired of turning to my trick bag when I know of many who are willing and waiting! We have an open relationship but like a typical man, that's a "men only rule", we had major issues when I slept with another guy but he seemed to think it was ok getting his dick sucked by another chick. So do I hang in and continue to deprive myself and do I go and do me, or should I say get done? L
What’s up, pretty thickness. I’ve heard and witnessed what you are going through more than a few times in my life. It’s what I like to call the Selfish Lover Syndrome. When it comes to dealing with a selfish lover actions speak way louder than words. The reason that you are going elsewhere for satisfaction is because he is blatantly pushing you on top of other hard dicks (lol). However let me be straight up with you for just a minute. Sweetie, your man not reciprocating the same type of unselfish sexual energy that you are giving him is partly your fault too. You see, when you found out that he wasn’t going to give you no licky-licky that’s when you were suppose to put your mouth down and tell him that if you weren’t good enough to be licked then he wasn’t good enough to be sucked. It all goes back to people saying and getting away with that in which we allow them to get away with. Now you see what you should have done is put that good fiyah head on his ass a few times and then stopped. Then as soon as he would have come begging for so mouth love you could have cocked your legs wide open and demanded that he serve you first. I mean what’s the use of being the bomb in the sack if you can’t even get your return on it. You need to start looking at your dick sucking skills as just that…valuable skills (lol). I know that you say you’ve been getting yours on the side—but what’s the point? This guy that you’re with is clearly selfish, self-centered, and fucking lazy. Here let me break it down for you a little more.
Selfish- Your man is self because the only thing he cares about is achieving his own orgasm. Sure he may come up with some hot bedroom activities every once in a while, but like you said…they always end up benefiting him more in the long run. You know what the sad thing is about people like him is? I’m willing to bet you cash money that he thinks he be putting it on your ass in the bedroom. I bet no one could tell him that you would be sending me this email about his lazy ass. Clearly selfish!
Self centered- The reason that your man is self-centered is because he has the nerve to get mad at you for getting some dick on the side when he’s basically doing the same thing. To make matters worse he probably gave you some lame ass reason for being upset about what you did. Does this sound familiar? Getting my dick sucked and fucking is two completely different things. Either way you stick it, it all just boils down to one thing he’s basically telling you. Do as I say and not as I do!
Lazy- Self explanatory!
My opinion: Fuck naw, you shouldn’t feel guilty. However I think the two of you really need to quit fooling one another and sever the dick that binds. I mean what’s the point? It’s obvious that you’re not happy, and why be with someone that’s leaving you so short changed in the bedroom that you feel a need to journey elsewhere to get a nut. The problem that I see without you even have to tell me, is that somewhere deep down you may actual think you can change him. Now I’m a big believer that some people can be changed…IF THEY WANT TO BE. I also find it hard to believe that this guy doesn’t eat pussy at all. I’m sorry but I find it hard to believe that a brother’s game is so tight that he can just go around getting women to suck his dick without any kind of paybacks. His ass is just choosy about who he gives mouth love to, and for some reason very few women push the issue. It’s no different than the line that my sister feed her random dates that she’s not really that into to. As soon as they get ready to try and kiss her she always tell them she’s not a big kisser. She then runs this bullshit line about how she’s a surgeon and has a thing about germs. My sister loves kissing like most women, however he can’t bring herself to exchange spit with someone that she only considers temporary.
If you want some real advice then listen up. The next man that you start dating I want you to pay attention to his behavior way before y’all head off to the bedroom. The reason I say that is because more times than not selfish behavior carries over into the bedroom. Don’t believe…just take a moment and think about the other areas of your man’s life and ask yourself where else is he selfish also. After you do that I want you to recall that period right before the two of you got intimate. I bet looking back you will clearly see all the warning signs that could have warned you what you were about to get…or in your case not get. God Bless!
The Art of Licking Ass
Ok, Javon, I have been experiencing something’s lately in my sex life. I am married as you should already know, and this guy that I have been
Answer from Javon
Ms. Lady…sounds like to me that you done fucked around and found my twin brother (lol). Finally a question with the ability to make my tongue erect. Babygurl, tossing salads is what I consider to be a freak art that needs to be channeled rather than learned. Being that it is such a taboo/NASTY sex act you must first find it in yourself to not only want to do it…but crave to do it. For starters you need to try and mentally discard what you know the anus is used for and think of it as another sensitive pleasure spot on a man’s body. Now I’m not gone even try to tickle your clit, everyone doesn’t have the stomach put their tongue on raw butthole, let alone thrusting it deep inside, which happens to be my FAVORITE kink. That’s why for people like yourself, I suggest you dress it up a bit (or season it) with a flavor that you enjoy, like chocolate syrup (bad choice, I know lol), whip cream, or like Chris Rock would say, jelly. I truly believe that after you get into it, and see how stimulating it is to your partner, it will make you actually begin to enjoy it. Come to think of it, what I have always loved most about tonguing a woman’s asshole is her response to it. I have yet to meet a woman that has turned down a good ass eating because they can’t get anything out of it (wouldn’t you agree?). My dear it’s very apparent from your email that you have been turned out on so many freaky levels. I wish every woman could experience a true NASTY experience in the bedroom, because like you, it will just make them want to reciprocate the nastiness.
My answer: There is no special technique to licking ass, just know that the deeper you can push your tongue the more amazing it feels. For a beginners such as yourself I would suggest that you start by fanning the tip of your tongue around the opening of the asshole real lightly. Do that while sucking your partner’s dick to intensify the sensation. If you take my advice and do this a couple of times, you’ll be tongue-fucking your partner’s asshole in no time flat. And whatever you do…try not to gag or make it seem that you are disgusted by what you are doing. Nothing is more unarousing than making it evident that you would rather be someplace else, while you’re suppose to be getting your partner off. Also…add a little wine to the party to shake your confidence up a bit. You might also want to dim the lights down as far as you can without making it pitch dark. I’d hate for you to think you are tonguing his ass when you’re really tonguing his navel (lol).
As for the lack of confidence when it comes to riding a guy, more than likely that’s due to a self-esteem issue you have deep rooted inside you. You see, in the riding position all attention and control is shifted over to you, and for whatever reason that’s where your confidence takes a nosedive. In this position you lose confidence because you feel as if your partner is grading you or critiquing your performance when that couldn’t be further from the truth. What I suggest you do to get over that is deem the lights down a bit, and when you’re on top take your partner’s hands and place them on your hips and tell him that you want him to guide you in the directions that feel good to him so that you can make him feel good. Nothing will uplift your confidence like knowing without a doubt that you are riding him like he likes. Also get virbal with him while you’re humping and grinding away up top. Tell him to tell you the way he likes that pussy and I gurantee that you will have him jazzing in no time!
God bless!
I'm A Closet Freak? Hi
Hello, Anna
For starters you didn’t confuse me at all. I totally understand what you are going through, because I went through the same thing. Sweetie, there’s a saying that the more sexually repressed a person is, the more over the top the sex is when they finally do let go. You see I believe that EVERYONE has a little closet freak stashed away inside them somewhere. Most people (just like you) are more afraid of what their partners will think of them, rather than saying “FUCK IT” and going for there’s. This is just one of the many reasons that a lot of couple’s sex lives are boring and full of routine. I also believe that within every relationship SOMEONE isn’t being totally honest and forthcoming about their sexual desires. Take your situation for example. Being that you are in a relatively new relationship, I can definitely understand why you are hesitant about revealing ALL of your sexual, secret desires. All sorts of questions are probably plaguing you as we speak. Question such as: what if he thinks I’m a weirdo and (as you say) breaks camp? On the other hand, you’ve probably even considered the possibility that the two of you don’t last as a couple and him running out and putting your business in the streets (Things to consider). When it comes to sex and being comfortable enough to open up totally to a lover, it takes a lot of trust to truly be yourself with that person. You don’t want to even consider being with someone that can’t even begin to respect your fetishes and bedroom desires. Respect being the key word, because not everyone is going to be able to enjoy, or relate to what turns you on or gets you off. Trust me, I know! (lol)
My advice: When it comes to opening that freak closet up to a new lover I think you should start off slow. Never be too quick to tell a person ALL of your freaky likes and dislikes, however you need to tell them just a few so you can see if they’re willing to reciprocate. Another reason couples aren’t willing to explore is because neither of the persons involved is willing to break the ice and say, “Ok, ok…I have a fetish to be spanked.” And by neither of them taking the initiative to step forward, you find yourself in what I call a sexual standoff. What that means is that although both people have a few kinky desires hidden in their closets, neither of them are willing to share with their partner, unless their partner shows that they can handle it. What cracking the door to your freak closet (just so your partner can peek in for a quick second) does is test the waters of acceptance. Doing this test should succeed in doing two very important things. If done correctly (and under the influence of alcohol) it should manage to provide you with a quick peek (or wide-open look) into the freak closet of your lover. This approach works best with alcohol because alcohol loosens the reigns that inhibitions bind, and allows people to truly be themselves.
The second (and most important) way this test will aid you is because by sharing something freak, yet minute enough that you’re not that ashamed to share it, you’ll know if your partner is worthy enough to be taken deeper. If your partner can’t handle hearing something small and kinky that you like, without saying EWWW…or that’s nasty you pervert, then that’s a clear indication that the two of you aren’t compatible in the bedroom.
Another way you can take things slowly is each time the two of you have sex, slowly try something new. With men this is elementary because rarely do men turn shit down with a woman in the privacy of their bedroom. Now getting them to admit it openly is another matter all together. But why would they? What happens in your bedroom is nobodies business but yours!
God bless, pretty lady…
Hey Javon got a question for you,
He wants me to have a threesome and I’ve thought about it but I just feel like he's just trying to turn me out. I don't wanna just do that for anybody, but I’ll try anything with him once. Although I have this fear that he may leave or not be so interested in me afterwards if I don't want to continue doing it. Because as you noticed I said "HE" cuz I can't even put a title on us and neither can he, so am I wrong for wanting to "preserve" my freaky if I can't even get him to commit to me…however, he wants me to go there with him like we are committed. What am I to do? I never thought I’d lose a man because I wasn’t enough. I know you only live once but that's just not something you do with everybody and I’m not saying let's get married, but at least give me a little security! Do you think I’m being a selfish brat or is there some justification to my thoughts? Please help me, you seem to be the best influence, you've been there b4 and I don't wanna lose him cuz I’m not open-minded, but I dont wanna just be suckin and fuckin him and anybody he brings in my path either. Tell me something pleeeeeeassssse!!!!!
Hello, lil lady
Let me start by saying that you are completely, positively, absolutely in the right by being concerned. If this was a case where you and he were just fuck buddies and were considering bringing in a third will that would be a different story. The problem that I see here is that feelings are involved and he’s not even trying to ease your mind by validating what the two of you are. My thing is this. How hard is it to say if whether or not what the two of you have means anything. From where I’m sitting it doesn’t seem hard at all…especially if he can work his mouth to want a threesome. Also being that you neglected to say if whether or not this third wheel is to be a man or woman…I’m guessing he wants to bring in another man. Sweetie pie, if that’s the case, and he does want to include another man, beware because that might actually mean that he doesn’t look at you as the potential girlfriend type. Reason I say that is because most men are rarely willing to consider sharing their main squeeze with another hard dick. However they have no problem sharing someone they consider a nice piece of ass and that’s all. I must speak candid for a moment so excuse my French (Keep in mind that this only applies if he wants the third will to be a man). “HE” MUST BE SMOKING SOME FUCKING CRACK IF HE THINKS YOU ARE NAÏVE ENOUGH TO GO ALONG WITH SOME BULL
Now that I got that off my chest…let’s explore the other possibility. If the third wheel that your man is trying to add to the picture is a woman…….SAME THING APPLIES! What this all boils down to is him having his cake and getting to eat it too, without at least giving you a bowl of ice cream (lol). For a lot of couples, if they’re bond isn’t tight going in, a threesome can be a relationship killer. And being that you have deep feeling for this guy the last thing you want to do is share him (or yourself) with another woman…or man. Personally, I don’t believe that the two of you have reached that point in whatever you two have to involve anyone else. If you want my honest opinion, which I know you do…you should consider pumping the breaks a bit. For starter…if you lose this guy just because you don’t feel comfortable sharing your body with someone that he has picked out, then GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE! That’s some of the most selfish shit I’ve ever heard in my life…and believe me, I’ve heard some selfish shit. (lol). If you truly feel like this guy will leave you over something like this then I really think you need to reevaluate your feelings for this dude and figure out what’s so special about him.
Just know that when it comes to threesome I’m a BIG supporter. I believe that sometimes adding a third wheel adds to both, the spice and the number of orgasms. However journeying down that taboo road isn’t without its problems and regrets if it’s not done right.
And for the record…an open-mind doesn’t have anything to do with not agreeing to take part in something that your gut is telling you not to do. Stand your ground and trust me…you’re soon know his true intentions soon enough.
P.S. And for God’s sake, do not tell him that he needs to give y’all a title before you will agree to some shit like he’s wanting. My reason for saying that is if I were in his shoes…and I was trying to get a threesome out some female that I didn’t have feelings for, HOW HARD WOULD IT BE TO SAY WHATEVER IT IS SHE WANTS ME TO SAY JUST TO GET WHAT I WANT? Not hard at all.
Tell him something like this. “Babe, at this time in whatever we have I don’t feel comfortable enough to do something like that. Maybe later on down the road, who knows…but no promises.”
Don’t bite your tongue and say it just like that and just wait foR the true colors to show up!
God bless, lil lady…and STAND YOUR GROUND!
He doesn't turn me on anymore? Have a question for you
Javon Hello, sweetie
You were correct in saying that your man is up in your crib too much. I’ve see this dilemma of yours more than a lil bit in relationships where two people spend too much time together. Relationships are funny like that in their embryo stages. At the beginning of most relationships everything is like a fun day at the amusement park. The two of you hardly ever want to leave one another’s side, because the thrill of the new ride is just so exciting. Before either of you even realize it y’all are spending every waking moment together. Where y’all use to see one another just once or twice a week…you now see each other every day. However because the relationship still has that new feel to it no one complains. And why would they? The sex is always off the chain in the early stages of a relationship (mainly because you’re with a new person) and the conversation is endless (again because new people have new shit to talk about). However as soon as clostaphobia kicks in (usually when the new feeling reaches its expiration date) all of that comes to a crashing halt!
You see, everyone is different in the sense that some people have no problems whatsoever logging 24/7 quality time around each other. In fact some couples wouldn’t have it any other way. Now keep in mind that just because you’re not one of those people doesn’t mean that you are a cruel person or are ungrateful. What it does mean is that you need to be more honest with yourself about the space in your life that you require. You’d be surprised how much your sex life can be directly affected by how much time you spend or don’t spend together. In my opinion seeing too much of each other too soon is just asking for trouble anyway. I say that because too much of anything is bad for anybody, whether it’s fast food or yes…even seeing your significant other. Hell, even husbands and wives need some space every once in a while. If my wife had to look at my tired ass 24/7 around the house she would shole get tired of me.
The other problem might be that your man treats you a little too perfect, which equates to boring. Now I’m not saying that he should treat you like shit, just that men that are too nice aren’t as big a challenge to women as the typical, aloof, hard-to-pin-down bad boy. Most women won’t come right out and say they don’t want a Mr. Nice Guy, because they don’t want to be looked at as being crazy. It’s just something in the female psyche that won’t let them enjoy the perks of being with a guy that spoils them and treats them like a queen. Instead they slowly start seeing these good guys as pushovers and before long they end up trading them in for the new, rougher models. But guess what—many men do the same thing when they luck up and find a good girl. They either wind up cheating or leaving these good girls for women that are not going to treat them half as good. All this just leads someone like me to believe that some people just need partners that are going to provide a good challenge. I can already tell from reading your email that you are definitely not compatible with a Mr. Nice Guy. Maybe that’s because you’ve never been with a man that you had to practically beg to spend time with you. If you haven’t that would explain a lot. But don’t feel bad…sometimes we can’t control what type of partners we are drawn to or prefer. If you ask me, the way I see it is that both, men and women should avoid coming across as being too nice in the early stages of courting. There’s always a way to walk that fine line between nice and fuck you without going overboard. Take your situation for instance: a bad boy wouldn’t be all up under you all the time and staying over to your house. A bad boy wouldn’t even answer his cell phone every time you called, and he shole wouldn’t be blowing yours up—which for some reason translates into
My advice: What I suggest you do is implement a little distance into your relationship before there is too much damage to repair. Stop seeing so freaking much of each other. At the rate that y’all are going you’re either be creeping on homey or the relationship will be over in a matter of months. I can already tell from your email that it’s going to have to be you that makes the change, because your man is clearly happy. There’s really no easy way to go about telling him the truth without hurting his feeling, though honesty is always best, regardless. You don’t have to tell him everything. Leave the sex part out until you know for sure if the problem is him suffocating you.
I learned a long time ago that sometimes there’s just no easy way to deliver the truth to someone. Reason being is that there are never any guarantees as to how a person is going to respond to being confronted with the truth. You see some folks would prefer to take the truth straight up, while others need it watered down a bit just to get it down. If it were me I would want you to tell me that I’m suffocating you, however everyone can’t handle that. You should already know if your man is the type that could handle a talk like that by now.
God bless!
Javon64/ Obviously from what you are telling me, the real reason behind his cheating is a lack of sex at home. Sweetheart you did correctly in telling him to leave her, or you alone, Im sure you wouldnt want something like that to be done to you. However, have you ever thought to yourself what type of man he could possibly be to you, if even through her medical problem with his long time squeeze, he wont keep his dick in his pants? Now maybe they have other problems also, but Im sure it all revolves around sex! Why, quite simply because hes a man, and we men have be trained to think that we need sex all the time. Who knows, maybe hes lying about the whole lack of sex thing too, but if so he chose the wrong lie to tell. This is why. Basically hes telling you that although theyve been together for sometime, sex is the most important thing. This is a typical behavior of many young boys just learning how to bust a nut, but after a certain age we men need to learn to control our sexual urges a little better. Either that or just leave the person we are with alone before we damage them permanently. This is exactly why the world has so many men bashing women today. That goes back to what I said to someone previously about us men being cowards. For starters, a lot of men hate to see women cry, regardless if they caused it or not, so they end up putting a lot of the relationship problems on the back burner. Meaning they cheat rather than work out the household problems. Men cheat and do all this sneaking around shit just to keep their girl at home from getting her feelings hurt, and in some cases the other woman also. Hurt feelings are inevitable sometimes! You have to remember that a man will say and do just about anything to a woman that she allows. From the beginning a woman dictates if that man respects her or not. Look at it like this. Dont believe one minute that your male friend and his girl dont ever have sex. I know that you like this guy but dont be a fool. Put yourself in her shoes for a minute. Would you actually live with a guy for X amount of time and not ever have sex, hysterectomy or not? Now if you are telling the truth about not fucking him anymore or whenever he likes, hes definitely getting it from somewhere. My gamble is that somewhere is from home, maybe not as often but from home. As for the tears, Im not going to say they werent genuine because I dont know the whole situation, or even know him like that. I will say that it was a time when I could make myself cry so fast and good that Hollywood would have beaten down my door (Smile). All it takes is the fear of losing a woman you really dont want to lose combined with a sad thought and a little concentration. We men know that a woman seeing a man cry is like a solar eclipse, so when in doubt to pull that card. As fucked up as that sounds its real. Its also possible that the brother is sensitive as hell, but not likely, i.e. hes got game. Call it selfish or wrong but a lot of unhappy men would rather look for temporary happiness outside the confines of their home than fix the problems inside it. A large percentage of the male population thinks that by cheating it makes their relationship at home better. In some cases it does but its always an illusion. I know thats hard to believe but its true. You see if a man isnt getting any sex from his wife or girlfriend as much as he would like, you will find that they tend to fight more and talk less. Now, if that same man goes out and cheats on the side he is less likely to care if he gets it at home resulting in less arguments, if hes covering his tracks well. The sad truth to this is that someone always gets hurt weather it be the other woman or the woman at home, or both. In the long run though, everyone always gets back what he or she puts out. My advice to you is to leave him alone because he was never yours from the jump, and honestly can never be. Even if he does leave old girl, one day down the road you dont want the same hand dealt to you. Its all good until another woman fucks your man. We never really think about it like that. I will close with this saying I heard a few days ago. Sometimes in life we try to hold on strongest to the things, or people God is trying so desperately to pry us away from. Turning the Tables What you need to do is stop looking at the single life as a glamorous thing and start looking at it for what it really is. A Death Trap! The reason I say that is because the single life isnt the same today as it was ten or even twenty years ago. We have to deal with every kind of deadly disease known to man as well as crazy ass maniacs. You never know who or what youre getting yourself into when you climb into bed with that certain someone. Im speaking from the experience of a man whose life was run by a sexual addiction that I still deal with today. If you can honestly without a shadow of a doubt say to yourself that your husband loves you with all of his heart, then ask yourself is that worth losing. Also ask yourself if the reason you want out has more to do with freedom and the nightlife or genuine unhappiness, due to your husband. Then ask yourself if he is truly trying to rectify the problems permanently or just temporarily enough to keep you from leaving. If you do decide that his act is temporary those feelings youre having about leaving will only be buried until he acts a fool again. Think about this for a moment. Have you ever stood at the window on a nice day looking outside and thought to yourself how bad you needed to get out of the house, just because of how beautiful it seemed? Now when you got out there you noticed that it was still beautiful, but you were now hot, sweaty, sticky, dehydrated, and basically miserable. From the inside looking out everything seemed fine because you were sitting under the air conditioner. Looking outside you never noticed how uncomfortable it really was because everyone out there was either use to the weather or so miserable they wanted you to be miserable also. That my dear is what the single life can be like when you leave what you have grown to know for what looks good from a distance or a taste. On the other hand if you are unhappy and dont feel you can ever be happy again with this person, its time to call it quits. A lot of people would recommend therapy or marriage counseling, but I really dont agree. I believe if two people are fighting so bad that they have to seek outside refereeing, the only thing it will do is buy them a few more rounds i.e. two or three years of the same thing. Ive been wrong before, but thats just my opinion. Just remember to consider everyones feelings involved and not just youre own when making this type of decision. Silly me, thats why you havent left home yet and wrote my black ass right. Sweetheart I understand that we men can seem ungrateful, selfish, and even neglecting at times, but cant everyone? Its sad, but I think everyone is guilty of taking a loved one for granted just before possibly losing him or her to someone else or just in general. Whatever you decide just make sure you dont end up saying "I was better off with my husband, because although he did this or that, compared to this new guy he wasnt that bad." Is he for real? When dealing with any male/female for the first time you must keep in mind that for the first six or seven months you will be dealing with there representative. A persons representative rarely makes a mistake. This isnt saying that you should always expect a person to be a liar by no means. What Im simply saying is that in the beginning of every relationship everything looks and smells like roses. Take your situation for example: Youve just recently come out a painful separation that Im sure left you a little scarred, lonely, and your self-esteem a bit battered. Now lets take your friend. If hes been showering you with as much attention and affection as you say, without regard for the consequences, hes obviously not happy at home. It seems to me that you are providing him with something that his girlfriend is either tired of doing or wasnt doing in the first place. When you get two people together that happen to provide each other with that missing ingredient its basically a game of fill in the blank. In all honesty I believe that your friend is being genuine and really does have feeling for you if what you are saying is true. The only problem is that hes going about this relationship with you the wrong way. No one deserves to be labeled the other woman or man in a bad relationship, regardless of how well theyre being spoiled. Its not fair to the person thats unaware. Sometimes people think that its best to string a boyfriend or girlfriend along if that reason is to avoid hurting that certain someone. Cant forget about those selfish men and women that do it just to have there cake and eat it too. In your situation you must ask yourself if hes so willing to risk getting caught by his girlfriend in public why doesnt he just risk it all and leave her. My advice to you while the friendship is still at its early stage is to put your foot down early. Yeah its still early even though youve slept with him more than once. Im psychic! Oh yeah not to mention you tried to coach me into easing your conscience a bit. Review the email that you sent me. In that email you basically described your prince charming. The way you described him was the way a person would describe the perfect man and then you put "oh yeah he has a girlfriend at home" like that was a minor infraction. What you are searching for is approval for something that deep down you already know isnt excusable. But I understand. Ive seen it happen too many times where a woman was messing around with a nice guy for years expecting him to up and leave his girl and he never did. Sweetheart you cant put a price tag on love and no trip nor amount of attention is going to make it come any faster. It takes just as much time to build a relationship as it does to destroy one. Karma is a bitch. Mark my words, if you continue to allow him to snick around and continue deceiving his girl, whos to say he wont do it to you. I know I say that like its east, but believe me its not. Sweetheart I could just tell you what you would like to hear but lets be real. We know that somewhere along the way someone will get hurt. I have to give you long term advice or I couldnt live with myself. Most men today know that the fastest way to a womans heart and bedroom is by telling her the truth. Whether hes married or in a commented relationship he knows that its something about the truth with most women that will win them over. Not the whole truth, but a version of it. I.E. "I have a girlfriend but we are going through problems". I dont believe your friend fits in this category, but I could be wrong. Find out all that you can about his relationship problems and stop looking with your infatuated eyes and start looking with some common sense. The Trophy Javon64/ You see not too many guys are that protective on the first few dates as they are after nine or ten consecutive dates. In the beginning of a relationship with a guy its almost flattering when another man stares at his date, because its almost like that other guy is giving him the coded thumbs up on having such a woman. Now after a man has been with a woman for a bit and its evident that the two are more than just friends the game changes. Take that same man that was flattered by the gentleman staring at his girl and now ask him what does he think and I guarantee he says that the guy is being disrespectful. For many men, as the relationship grows so does the protective jealousy gene in their DNA. Little behavior changes began to take place such as the monitoring of what his girl wears when going out with him or anyone else for that matter. Sounds crazy possessive right, but its true. By no means do I want you to think these men are ashamed of you or wouldnt be caught dead in the same room you were in. Its not that! Its all just one big insecurity issue with us men, although youd have a better chance of meeting Cupid in the flesh rather than getting a man to admit that. You really have a problem on your hands if that mans woman is the type of lady thats cool and friendly with everyone she meets. If shes that type she can forget about hanging out with his buddies. As for your situation, sweetheart you must remember that those are his friends that he has known much longer than you. Meaning that he knows all of the little dirt and gigantic dirt theyve done and are capable of doing, which means that in a sense he really doesnt feel comfortable around them with you. Thats why you get the leachy syndrome. Now for the real reason and dont be surprised. In a nut shell every man has that deep down insecurity that his girl might be attracted to one of his friends. This is because although most men are homophobic they still know another handsome man when they see him, and believe it or not they know what kind of men their women are attracted too. A woman can help ease a mans insecurity by showing him affection while in the presence of his friends. This not only shows his friends that she is bananas over her man, but it also shows him that I care this much about you and I dont care who sees. If a woman does this little by little that jealousy wall will come crumbling down and so will the leachy tendencies. Friend with Benefits 1. Why is it that when a woman comes across a man that wants to do the whole friends with benefits thing he acts like it’s more than it is, but isn’t man enough to say that he wants more. 2. I get a lot of guys that tell me I’m a good woman, but tend to go for the whores. Why is is that? 3. Why is it ok for a man to expect a woman to go down on him and give it all she got, but in return he won't give it all he got? If you can give me the answer to those questions I would really appreciate it. Javon64/ Second question. Sweetheart I dont doubt you are a good woman but you must really listen to what these men are telling you. Its no different than you women going after the bad boys when Mr. Rights always blowing up your phone and taking you out to dinner. Its sad, but in a world where over 90% of the population begs for good partners the nice person still always finishes last. Men want good women, but nine times out of ten a good woman is not going to give up the goodies on the first day. Shes not going to allow him to come and go as he pleases or put up with a lot of his shit. So its not that they dont want to be with you, its just they are not quite ready to be with you yet. Oh yeah, theres a myth amongst the male population that in a nut shell good girls wont get down and nasty in the bedroom like bad girls. To understand this question just ask yourself why do more women prefer to fuck a bad boy, but merry a good man. Same applies with the men! Third question. This is my all time favorite subject to tackle here. Basically in a nutshell you are dealing with a self lover. I just wrote an article for an online magazine and this was one of the issues I addressed. Here it is! Selfish Lover Syndrome I love my man with all of my heart, he is great. Our sex is wonderful but I'm freaky as hell (no need to elaborate) and I want to try other things but I don't think he will be in to it very much. He pleases me like crazy, first man to make me have multiple orgasms any how, how do I go about trying new things with him? Were getting married soon and I didn't know if I should wait to turn him out or do it now, I want to be that dream wife that most men dream about ,you know freaky as hell, one that wont be stepped out on because I'm doing mostly everything right. You are truly a woman many men would die to have. It sounds like you and your man are already engaging in some freaky sex activities already, though maybe not as freaky as you would like to go. I’ve been there before with past girlfriends. If you and your man are at all social drinkers a little alcohol will usually shake some of the inhibitions from the moment. Afterwards he may be a little more willing to experiment and loosen up. Depending on what those things you want to try are you might want to bring them up in a non obvious way before hand. A damn good way to discuss something like that would be in the third person form. Basically tell him what you would like to try but use someone else as an example. Say my girl was telling me she and her man did such and such and it sounded kinda good, how you feel about that. One thing I found that works more with men that doesn’t work with women is spontaneity. A man is more likely to let a woman do some freaky ass shit to him while in the heat of the moment than a woman is to let a man do to her. A lot of men say they won’t do this or that but get a little alcohol in them and it’s a wrap. You never know, he might have some things he wants to try also, but are too embarrassed to say for how you might look at him. All men have some things they would like to try. Think about it like this. Your man obviously knows that you are a big freak, which I’m sure is a big turn on for him. You wanting to try some new stuff shouldn’t be that surprising to him, no matter how kinky it is. Remember as with anything, timing is everything. During sex is the best time to try new things because sex itself is like a mind altering drug. Once you’re riding the high it will be a good minute before you come down. Especially if that high is some bomb shit. As for wanting to be that woman he won’t step out on, I applaud you for that entirely. More women and men should have that attitude even if at the end of the day their mates decide to step out; at least they will know they gave it their all. In my opinion any man that steps out on a woman that’s handling her business in the bedroom the last person she should blame is herself. Whatever you do just be yourself and try to reach a medium where the both of you can satisfy each other without compromising who you truly are sexually. In my opinion I believe it is very important for you to get these desires out in the open if your relationship is to truly blossom past its present point. Keeping sexual desires away from our mates can often lead us down roads of infidelity. Why? Although your man is giving you multiple orgasms every night, like everything else it gets old. Sex is like a drug in that sense. Like a drug sex provides an instant high that after so long begins to have less of the same affect. That’s when we start craving new and better sex and sometimes even different partners to provide a bigger and better high. It’s a cycle and that’s why I applaud your efforts for wanting to be the only drug your man ever needs and most importantly wants. I wrote you earlier this week about how do I go about trying new things with my boo, and your advice was great. I got what I wanted and so did he which made us both happy, but now we have an even bigger problem that's coming our way.
First..... When I first met him I had a son who he adored by another man, which he was cool with, but as time went on in our relationship I ended up becoming pregnant with his child . Now when I told him he wasn't to excited about the fact but 2 days later he apologized and was like he was sorry for being selfish and not thinking about my feelings etc.
Now at this time I was in school about to graduate that year but I was also kind of homeless (my senior year in high school) and I was staying with other people paying rent buying groceries and making sure that I kept my son decent looking, plus the weekly daycare bill on top of that I had to keep my grades up so that I wouldn't flunk out etc.
While I was going through all of this mess my mom decided she wanted to be young again and I became stressed out. I am a tiny woman so I ended up looking sick and in the process I lost our baby. At this time I didn't want to deal with anyone anymore at all that wasn't my son so I broke up with him and to make him hate me I lied and said I had an abortion. I figured that way I wouldn't have to have someone trying to be there for me when all I wanted and needed was some time to get myself together.
So we broke up and I left school for awhile to get my head on straight, but I did go back and graduate 2004 my right year with a 2.8 gpa(smile). To be honest if I would've told him everything that was going on with me he would've been by my side, but I didn't want to burden him with my affairs. So we ended up being friends just friends without the benefits for a year and in the process I had a 2nd baby by the same BOY and he had a baby with a jump off, but we put that aside and decided to be together because neither one of the other people were or are any good for us.
The babies are here and everything was fine me and his baby mother are cool and well I don't really deal with mine because he is top notch SELFISH it's all about him etc. My children's father didn't want to have anything to do with the 2nd baby (which is a little girl) so I was like fuck it. Leave us alone! My fiancée' took it upon himself to be her daddy, claiming her as his own saying he has 2 little girls. All of a sudden he takes me to court for a blood test (which came out You are the father) and now he is trying to change the way everything was.
Talking about he want his daughter to have his last name and he wants to see her and I don't think that is right on him to do that. He went around telling everyone “that bitch's baby at mine”, but now he has a new tune. The only reason why he got the test in the first place is because of the girlfriend, you know how they can be at times.
What do you think is going on with him because I am willing to fight him in court over this because it's just not right for him to do that when from the start he didn't want to deal with another baby? Why is he acting like this now? From a male point of view what would you suggest? It's like every time that I am happy he goes and pulls something to start some drama. Why won't he let me be happy? Is it in his nature to try to hurt me or something? I don't understand at all. Do you? Can you shed some light so that I can understand?
Javon64/ The part about your man not being excited about the baby at first was nothing but initial fear. Although having a baby is supposed to be joyful occasion, if unplanned it can sound like bombs over As for your babies’ daddy. I hate to see children mixed up in the middle of two parents that don’t get alone. So many times men and women use children to get back at a spouse or to hurt them in some way because they hate them. We men can be just as vindictive as you women at times. I believe that when your Boy was going around saying that that baby wasn’t his, part of him either wanted to believe it, or actually did believe it. Now that I think about it, he probably did think the baby wasn’t his because had he knew for sure that it was, no way he would have gotten a blood test. You got to remember there are a lot of women in the world that put babies on men just because they want that particular man to be with them. Not saying you are like that, but it has happen to me before. You must have tried to get the Boy to pay child support or something. Usually another woman won’t step in until the baby mama starts talking about taking money out her man’s pockets. Him calling you bitches and such names was only an indication of his honest dislike for you at the time. If the two of you had a bad breakup he probably detests you more for being able to find happiness with someone else other than him. The part about you two going to court is another thing. While I’m no Lawyer or counseling expert I will say this. Ask yourself what you are trying to accomplish. In other words who are you trying to protect. If you feel as though that him being in his daughters life is truly a hazard to her safety then by all means fight to keep him away. Now here is where it gets hard to really put the entire BS aside. You truly know this man better than anyone else. Ask yourself, is he a good father to his son and if so would he be an even better father to his daughter. Raising a little girl is much different than raising a boy. To ask yourself these things really takes the ability to be able to put aside the differences you and him might have. Regardless if you two never become friends again isn’t the question. The question is whether or not he’s a good father. I think it’s beautiful that you have such an understanding fiancé that loves your children like he does his own. More men need to be as understanding and supportive. What you don’t want is your daughter growing up one day and asking you mama why my real daddy wasn’t around when I was little. Especially, when her brother has beautiful memories of his father being there. You must realize that the older we grow the wiser we get. A lot of our old views and attitudes fade away and healthier ways of thinking take the place. If I had a quarter for every bad thought or action I’ve wanted to take back I would be filthy rich already. I say that to say as both you get up in age a lot of that hostility and detests for one another you have now may actually fade away, if not for no one but the kids. As for the whole last name change thing. That really has nothing to do with him being a good father. If his boys already have his last name fine, but if they don’t have his last name he could be trying to sublimely get at you. As a last note! Whatever decision you decide to make just make sure it’s for the overall good of the child involved. It’s easy at times for us to have bad judgment when we’re angry and stressed. Look at it this way; he could have been one of those dead beat daddies that denied his child all the way to his death bed. Him taking that blood test says he’s willing to pay child support and take responsibility, regardless how shitty he may be in actuality. I didn’t learn who my real father was until I was 30 years old and let me tell you, that hurt. So much goes through your mind when you find out that the guy you thought was just a friend of the family was actually your father. I wouldn’t want anyone to go through that. I haven’t laid eyes on my father since I was eight and my situation was very similar to what you are going through now. Hi Javon! The list is good but I think women already know this stuff already. Not to take away from the list I’ve done all that, but find I only have relationships that last a year or two and after pleasing men so long y’all don't seem to want marriage after getting the goodies up front.
When are women going to get what we want in a man? Orgasms don't last very long or keep us warm every night when we know all a man wants is sex. Sex is all good but I want a keeper a Brother Mr. Right. Javon I’m at a place in my life where I just can't give my body to men and not get a real relationship out of it. It's leaving me sad and lonely. Yolande First let me say that my heart goes out to you and your friends Yolande, and I truly do understand how you women are feeling. I agree with you that a lot of women already know the things on that list, but that’s just the icing on the cake. Let me explain!
I’ve said this a million times and I will continue to say it. Men play with love to get sex, but women play with sex to get love. You were halfway correct when you said men don’t want marriage after getting the goodies up front, but there is a reason. It’s a known fact that women mature a lot faster than the average man, leaving him behind to grow up and last, catch up. A lot of women were brought up to believe that you’re not a successful woman unless you are married with a good husband that has a good job. Most men on the other hand were raised to believe that the more women they can get into bed or have in their rolodex the bigger man that it makes them. Two very different frames of minds learned by two extremely different teachers. Let me take you back a moment so you can see where I’m coming form so. Most young girls that were brought up in the 70s and 80s played with their little Barbie and Ken dolls pretending the two were married and living happily ever after. They sat with their little girlfriends and all shared their dreams of one day having a big house with a fence and a dog, and most importantly a handsome husband like Ken that would love and cherish them. If asked what their future plans were they almost always included the happy marriage life. Majority of men that were brought up in the 70s and 80s all played with either kids that were twice their age or had best buddies that associated with kids twice their age. Wasn’t no Barbie and Ken dolls for the men, they played hide and go get it and sat around trying to fit in with the older crowd by talking about how many girlfriends they had. Even back then women always had the power when it came to men, but they just didn’t know it. I heard Jay Clayton say something that was very true and still holds true to this day. He said that if women only dated men in poke-a-dot suits every man in the world would have a poke-a-dot wardrobe. That’s real talk and I want you to take a moment and think about this. For those men that lost their virginity at an early age the only reason they did when they did is because some woman decided to lie down. Had that woman nor another had laid down with that guy making it clear that there would be no sex until marriage chances are either he would still be a virgin today, or happily married and getting it on a daily basis. What I’m saying is that this epidemic that’s going around took form many years ago at an early age and unless somehow it is rectified the 90s and 2000s generation is lost. Instead of fixing the problem many women are just compounding the problem by giving in to temptation and a man’s needs. I say that women are some what responsible because you all hold the power over men. There’s a woman at the core of every reason a man buys something nice or puts on some expensive cologne. I applaud you for finally getting fed up and deciding to do something by not giving in to the temptation of lust, but let me ask you this. What good is that if your home girl or some other girl she knows doesn’t do the same? I believe that in order to break men out of this routine that has been implanted at youth its going to have to be a collective effort by more than a handful of women. Sweetheart I’m not the spokesman for men and as much as it pains me and shames me, WOMEN RULE THE WORLD! So to answer your question as to when will women get what they want in a man. When ya’ll make them!
Getting my sexual confidence back Hi. I'm really nervous about being on top while having sex with a guy. I used to have quite a bit of confidence, but after being in a relationship that didn't go well; my confidence went down the drain. That particular young man I was dating always criticized me about everything I did, and I believe it damaged my sexual confidence.
I feel as though I don't know how to "grind" like I used to. The guy I am currently sexually involved in understands that I am shy about being on top, but I haven't told him why. (I guess because I'm just now realizing why I'm uncomfortable on top.) The fact that he understands makes me a little more comfortable about being on top, so I do it sometimes but I don't stay up there very long.
I really would like to be able to get back on top because I experienced my first orgasm with a partner while on top. (All my other orgasms came from masturbation). Please give me some tips on how to ease my way back to the top. Thank you.
LaTrice Hello Latrice! I hope you had a Merry Christmas and have an even happier New Year. Let’s talk a little about your situation. What you are experiencing is perfectly normal and can be fixed with a few minor adjustments. Confidence is one of the most important ingredients during any sexual encounter. What comes easy for some can be just as difficult for others in the bedroom. You were correct when you said your last boyfriend damaged your confidence, and chances are he was so selfish in the bedroom he didn’t even realize what his criticism was doing. Part of your fear of being on top is that you are thinking entirely too much. Sex isn’t supposed to feel like its some job you punch in for and could possibly lose if done incorrectly. Sex is supposed to be fun and to tell you the truth no one is such a pro at it that they couldn’t use a few pointers every once in a while. If you were having more fun during sex you wouldn’t have time to think if rather or not you were riding him correctly, but here is what you can do. It’s actually psychological in a way because if your man is lying there looking up at you, something tells you that you aren’t grooving or moving correctly. Believe me it happens to men also. These things I tell you should put you on the road to recovery in no time. First, turn the lights completely out so neither of you can see one another very well. Then do the whole foreplay thing to warm your engines up and climb on top. This time I want you to casually place your man’s hands on either your hips or your ass, or both and tell him in a raunchy tone to make you fuck him the way he wants to be fucked. By doing this everything falls on him instead of him just lying back with his hands behind his head while you do all the work. Guys are suckers for this anyway because some like it fast and some like it slow but they all love to be in control. Look at it in turns of giving head. Most or probably all guys have to place their hand on the woman’s head while she’s doing her thing to guide her mouth. It’s no different when she’s riding. While he’s grinding you on top of him I want you to talk dirty and nasty to him telling him how good it feels to you and asking him how good does it feel to him. What you need is reinforcement that you are doing a good job and after a while you won’t have to hear it, you’ll just know you’re the bomb. No man is immune to a woman talking dirty, but I’m sure you already know this. Talking dirty to a man in the bedroom is like putting him under a hypnotic trance where whatever you ask him he has to tell the truth. You will see while riding him in total darkness that your sexual freedom will slowly return because in the dark everyone can open up. Every woman and man needs to hear that they are good in bed so you needing to hear this don’t make you less of a woman. As men we should have no problem taking the lead and telling a woman how good she is making us feel during sex, but some men think they are too macho for that. You should also explain to your boyfriend why you are so shy, because as a man he will understand. Trust me, once you see how turned on and hard his dick gets when you turn up the nasty talk and have him guide you, there won’t be anymore talk about lack of confidence. Also just know that by having him guide you doesn’t make you seem inexperienced, guys seldom think that. In a guys mind if his dick is hard she knows what she is doing. It’s that simple, unless he’s receiving head and her teeth is scraping him, but that’s another story. Oh yeah, if you are a bit shy in the dirty talk area have him tell you what to say. I’ve done this countless times in the past and I’ve never had a problem. For example: I love to talk dirty during sex so when I was with a shy young lady I would do the following. After getting into the sex real good I would say things like “Tell me how that juicy dick feels”, “Tell me to fuck you like a nasty bitch”, Tell me to fuck you like a nasty whore”, and a whole lot of other stuff. It’s never offensive because its sex and it’s supposed to be fun. By the time we would finish we both would be too tired to say much of anything from cumming so many damn times. If you say any of those things I just wrote, your man will guide you just the way he wants you to fuck him and all you will have to do is keep up and enjoy the ride! P.S. For even more pointers on riding a guy try renting or buying a porn movie. Those women get paid to look like they are doing a good job and believe me when I TELL YOU THAT GUYS DO PICK UP POINTERS FROM THERE. WHY CAN’T WOMEN ALSO?
Jump starting our're sex life
Hello, Javon! My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. The sex is "bum" as hell. But I have dilemma. When he get the "urge", I give it to him with no if, ands, or buts about it. The problem lies when I want some, I have to wait when he wants it or he's too tired. Dont get me wrong, we both work at least 8 hours a day, with active kids we attend to, but I have those "urges", too. We used to have sex EVERYDAY. We love each other, but I just want to know what’s wrong? Please help us! Javon64/ The problem to me seems to be sexual monotony. Somewhere along the line sex has stopped being fun and interesting and has become that dreaded chore you guys rush through. This is a problem that plagues couples that have been in long relationships. Usually it’s the woman that withholds the sex while the man has the urges, but it isn’t rare to here of a guy that does it also. The sex that you guys use to engage in everyday is what I call that brand new sex. The kind of sex you have in the beginning of a relationship. For a new couple brand new sex can last almost a year, but for others it can die off in a matter of months. Your question is basically how to get it back. Here’s what you need to do. You have to make the sex stimulating again. Sex should be more than just an “I’m a little horny, roll over so I can get a nut” type of thing. I have a saying. Bad sex can do one or two things; break up a relationship or case someone to stray. I’m sure you’ve probably discussed with your man the fact that you give him sex when he wants, but can’t get the same in return. This may sound completely insane what I’m about to suggest, but trust me if you try it there’s a good chance it helps. Schedule sex! By this I mean the two of you should sit down and take out a calendar and mark off days and times in the week when you two can have some intimate time. By doing this it will give you both a chance to mentally prepare for the sex and it will give you a chance to plan something kinky and special. Now here’s where it gets interesting. On that particular day you both should spice things up a bit by adding some toys or a little dress up and role-playing. I say this because if you use to have sex everyday, but you don’t anymore, the problem isn’t just a lack of time, attending to children, or being tired. Those are just mere excuses to avoid the regular routine 10 minute hump session. Just think back to when you guys first got together, back when you use to have sex everyday. I bet you not even a 12 hour work day, attending to kids, and the sand man could keep your man off of your ass. Back then when the two of you had sex it was more about pleasing one another in addition to oneself. Now when the two of you have sex it appears to be purely for self gratification only and if the other one don’t get anything out of it, oh well. If the two of you explored each other’s fantasies and fetishes a little more I believe things would start to improve. To do this it is going to take a lot of honesty on both of your parts. Just because you’ve been together three years doesn’t mean you know everything about each other’s sexual likes and dislikes. I’m will to bet there are a quite a few things you don’t know about your man pertaining to his sexual fantasies and fetishes. Likewise I’m sure you have some sexual things inside you that you would like to get out in the open. It’s perfectly natural but neither of you are doing the other any good if you just bottle these fantasies and fetishes up and continue to blame things such as work, kids, or being tired. When you say “bum” sex you are simply saying the sex has become boring and routine. When I here that I instantly say to myself this can be fixed but both partners must be willing to participate. If you don’t know already, find out on the sly what type of shit turns your man on. Thigh highs, plaid skirts, and dirty talk do it for me but he may be different. For an example; if he was the type of guy that liked strippers I would tell you to mark a day on the calendar, but it’s crucial you don’t tell him what you have planed. All he needs to know is that that day is a sex day if you want to tell that much. On that day you would put on some nice music and do a strip tease. The whole nine yards though. Strip just like he was in the club, meaning no touching and all that. Always extend the foreplay because that’s the best part. Whatever you do you want to work your man up to the point that when he does get up inside you he can’t hold it but 10 or 15 minutes. Trust me you will have him scheduling sex time seven days a week. You just have to make it fun. Here’s a basic recap. The two of you sit down and work out a schedule for sex. Discuss some possible fetishes and fantasies to perform on those planned days. You could have a fantasy day and he could have one. On that day let nothing keep you two from spending that intimate time. Do this until sex is a permanent part of the relationship again. For some real fun try masturbating in front of your man the next time he doesn’t want to fulfill your needs. Spread your legs and go all out, moaning and groaning right beside him. If that doesn’t do it your man has some serious explaining to do!
Before I begin let me first say that in no way am I passing judgment because I’m not God. I’m just answering your question truthfully from my point of view and to the best of my abilities. By me being a Gemini, one of my twin sides wants to tell you to unleash the beast, but my better side is going to answer this question. Sweetheart I must be honest with you and by doing so I must tell you to let this guy go. I know this probably isn’t what you want to hear, least of all from me, but even you know deep down that this is the truth. You must remember that although you don’t know his wife personally, none-the-less you still do know her because she is a woman just like you. Men cheat, abuse, and hurt too many women everyday for any one woman to think that what another one is going through doesn’t concern them. Reading your question one would be led to believe that you have no conscience or guilt about your actions, but I don’t look at it like that. Every one of us has either been hurt or let down at one time or another by someone that we thought loved us. Because of that hurt a lot of us build up protective walls while dealing with it in our own ways. Some deal with hurt by retaliating while others ball up and cry it out, but we all deal with it in different ways. I refuse to believe that you are so cold and uncaring that you don’t feel a tad bit sorry for his unknowing wife at home. Before I go further just know that I speak from experience and nothing more. I’ve messed with married women on three or four occasions and each time I swore it would be my last. You reminded me of myself when you said that his wife won’t do certain things because those are the same things wives would tell me all the time. They would complain about their husbands not doing this or that and I would carelessly sleep with them using nothing more than their complaints as justification. Was I wrong, you betcha, and I knew it. The problem wasn’t that there weren’t enough single women to go around, but that I was just too damn weak to turn down a free piece of ass. I let lust direct my actions rather than better judgment. Knowing what I know today probably would have prevented a lot of unnecessary bullshit I had to endure along the way. What I can tell you is this, nothing good can come out of what you are doing except a quick nut, that’s all. You may say “That’s all I want is a quick nut” but trust me and I do mean trust me when I say it can get really bad for you and him. Karma has a way of fucking us all royally and unexpected. No one is immune to karma and its vengeance! Whether he lives 90 minutes away or right next door you have to seriously search inside you and try to put yourself in his wife’s shoes. Whether you believe it or not you will one day meet that special someone that you fall madly in love with, and when you do you won’t want to share. Karma knows this! P.S. Sometimes in life you will find that even those you consider to be your friends either don't or won't tell you something you are involved in is wrong. Those are the times that you must think enough of yourself to do the right thing. This may sound corny but one of the main qualities of integrity is doing what's right even when no one is looking... My final answer to your question is to be considerate! thank you Javon! hope your trip was productive.
yes, it is still an ongoing problem. Maybe it is not all about porn. I don’t know, but your words have made a world of sense. To the point where as you said in the response to part 2 of my problem, he has gotten advice from those who he didn't tell the whole truth to. I know this because he has a nonchalant attitude towards being with me now. And he says things like, "The reason you are mad is cuz you didn't get your way" (in the bed).
I at first thought that things were getting better after 3 damn near bed breaking eps! But then he got, I dunno, annoyed, bored, whateva you want to call it, and blamed me cuz he rushed the issue and I said I wuznt ready yet and slow down. He laughed when he joked bout me being a porn star and instead of acting or getting offended I said to him, "No baby. I'm sorry but I could never be as strong minded as a porn star. Those bitches have it all over me, huh?." He found it so amusing. And we even made love twice after that.
Guess there are more things in life and relationships to be worried about than this. Everything else in our relationship seems cool.
I am not giving up on him. But, I know what the problem is and I know I must take a stand as you said.
Never would I speak to anyone outside (people who know him) bout the issue.
Cant help but think, maybe I come on too strong (I am a Scorpio), or maybe not strong enough (He is a Gemini). someone once said that 'problems do not start in the bedroom'.
Perhaps the problem is that he needs something (or someone) else. Whatever it is, I can truly say that I love him enough to stick it out with him even if it means letting him go. At this point, it is making me feel bad so I can only imagine that he feels worse. Sorry for all the questions I am shooting at you, but like I said before, this one has me totally baffled and I cannot speak to anyone bout it. When I found your site, I couldn't help but take advantage of a grounded mans p.o.v.
P. S. (Do you think it means anything if he doesn't tell me after 2 years that he loves me? Perhaps he is not in love, but loves me and therefore uses the porn as an escape. Maybe within my questions, I find my own answers, huh? !! ) ....and I do not want to have to say that to him.
again, I thank you Javon!!! ...Migia Javon64/ Hello Migia, I wish you would have told me your man was a Gemini, because I could have given you some additional advice. You see, I’m a Gemini as well (May 24th) and we can be some hard people to understand. A lot of people don’t get into the whole zodiac signs, but I believe they play a bigger part in our lives than we know. You being a Scorpio says a lot in itself, therefore you and a Gemini will definitely bump heads. I’m going to first give you my take on your situation, before leaving you with a little treat from one of my many zodiac reference guides. From what you’re telling me it sounds like you and your man have been together so long that he’s starting to take the relationship for granted. As far as this question (Do you think it means anything if he doesn't tell me after 2 years that he loves me?) that all depends on if he has ever told you in the first place. If he told you once upon a time then yes it does mean something. It would mean that his feelings have definitely become lackadaisical over time. However if he never told you in the beginning then you might have a problem, especially if you’ve told him. Ain’t no getting around it, after 2 years if a man that you’ve been kicking it with, and living with hasn’t told you that he loves you then he probably doesn’t. No ifs, ands, or buts about it, ain’t that much hardness in the world. Women have to learn that men only do or don’t do what you guys allow. If after 2 years you don’t demand some answers, or clarification as to what type of arrangement you guys have, then you are basically giving him a pass to do what he pleases. One of the reasons he hasn’t told you that he loves you is partly because Gemini’s hate attachments. Anything that jeopardizes our freedom flashes a warning sign, some days. On other days we’re as in love as the first day we met you, which is the whole reason women get mixed signals. In situations like yours, most Gemini’s end up leaving, because we detest unpleasant situations or arguments. We’re like drifters in a way, and forever remain kids at heart. That’s what makes us so fun to be around, but at the same time we can be just as devious and hateful. Nine times out of ten when a Gemini man verbally hurts you it’s because of something you’ve said to hurt them in the past, or recently. The bad thing about this is that you can rack your brain all day and night and probably never figure out what it was that you said. We’re strange like that, and hold grudges like an elephant never forgets. Sweetheart, Gemini’s have very addictive behaviors when it comes to anything pleasurable or exciting, such as sex. I read where you said that you weren’t bad looking, and you couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to touch you. Well, that’s the other thing; he’s probably that way because the relationship has lost its thrill in his eyes. I bet you anything that in the beginning he wanted sex every minute of everyday, right? Someone reading this is probably saying doesn’t every man, but here’s the difference. A Gemini man will wear a hole in anything that’s new and exciting, until it gets old to them, and then they are ready to drift along to something else new and exciting. Although they will never tell you this (to spare your feelings), their actions speak for them because they wear their emotions on their sleeve. They don’t have to tell you that they’re mad, because their actions say it for them. In my opinion if you think he’s worth it, and you really want to save your relationship and get him to stop watching porn, you’re going to have to bring the excitement back in the bedroom. I.e. do something new that you know he would like, and won’t be able to say no too, or get enough of. It might work and it might not, but if it doesn’t just know that no matter what you would have done, some signs just don’t click. Below is the extra I promised you. Enjoy and God bless. Gemini and Scorpio- Gemini’s imagination and Scorpio’s dynamism would make a good combination if only these two were able to get along together. There is combustion in the bedroom, but they soon find out that sex isn’t everything. Scorpio is sensual, passionate, demanding, jealous, and inflexible. Gemini is fickle, flighty, superficial, lighthearted, and changeable. Gemini is a social creature, Scorpio likes privacy. Scorpio’s suspicious nature is in constant turmoil over Gemini’s casual attitude about love. It won’t be long before enough becomes too much. Hello Javon! There's a guy that I work with at a grocery store that I am really attracted to! He's at least three years younger than me (I'm thinking he's around the age of 18) but he seems to have a great personality, and he's just beautiful! I'm a black woman and live in the south so whenever I find myself attracted to someone outside of my race, I try to observe the guy to see how he interacts with people outside of his race. I'm not sure of this guy's ethnicity, (he may be part Hispanic or part biracial or even Native American) but he seems to be really friendly and outgoing with everyone. He speaks to me when we work together, but I really want to get to know him better. I'm not too confident with flirting so I was wondering if you could you give me some suggestions on how to approach him/get to know him better? Thank you so much! Hello sweetheart! The thrill of chasing the opposite sex can be fun and exciting, yet nerve challenging as well. I applaud the fact that although this guy you’re digging is of another race, you’re not going to let that stop you from possibly experiencing the happiness that only a new friendship brings. I think it is so important that we as grown adults get past the whole race issue, and just follow our hearts and what makes our hearts happy. Sorry I got off track, but I had to let you know that. Now for your question.
You must remember that as a woman, you control the cards when it comes to the whole guy girl thing. But I know how you feel, hell, no one likes the possibility of being rejected. You might be surprised to find out that he’s attracted to you, but with him being another race you might scare him. A lot of men outside the black race find black women intimidating. Blame television and horror stories from their homeboys. What you need to do is start talking to him more, while you’re at work. Try taking your lunch break around his, but most importantly touch him every now and then while talking. The touching thing is extremely important. Now I’m not saying go and grab the poor guy’s Johnson or nothing like that. Just make sure that whenever you are kidding or joking, or whatever, that you make it a priority to brush against him, or touch him hand or leg or something. A lot of people never realize it, but if you ever want to know if someone is really digging you, just look at how much they go out their way to touch you. Research has even proven that that’s the number one way to show signs of endearment. Ok, now let’s move along. You must remember that everything in life is damn near a competition in one way or another. “What do you me Javon64?” I’m glad you asked (lol).
Chances are that if you find this guy so beautiful, then some of the other employees and customers do, too. In otherwards, if you want to get the attention of a man, you must stand out from the pack. Men are visual creatures by nature—women are mental. I’m not telling you to entice him sexually, because that would only project that you want sex—unless that’s the case. I’m just telling you to get creative and flaunt your best attributes—18 year old guys will bite every time. If you’re funny then be funny. If you’re sexy then show your sexiness, but whatever you do just make sure he’s getting a taste of the real you. When you’re 18 it’s hard as hell to resist a woman that makes it blatantly obvious she is digging you. After a woman gets a man’s attention, it’s up to her to hold it long enough to capture his heart. I know this next suggestion might be a little too bold for you, but it definitely works. The next time you see him, make it a point to make small talk throughout the day, and give him your number. Only give him your number if you get the feeling that he might have some interest in you. I don’t want you to just shove your number in the man’s hand and he doesn’t even know your name. What you do have going for you is that men are not like women—we welcome advances and flirtatious gestures from women. Most men will flirt with you as long as you give them the green light too. In otherwards, being friendly, and by all means touching them. Also you have to remember that work was damn near the number one answer people said when asked where did they meet there partner. Someone has to make the first move, why not let it be you.
If it doesn’t turn out the way you would like it too, then at least you will have another notch on your belt in the confidence department. It only gets easier after that. One of the biggest reasons people miss out on opportunities and happiness everyday is because they’re afraid of possibly hearing that two letter word, no. I’d rather hear a person tell me no, they’re not interested, than to go through life wondering what if. God bless, sweetheart….
Dear Javon,
Javon64/ Now for your answer: I’m not going to sit here and give you no work-it-out-speech, because quite frankly I think your relationship has run its course. I’m definitely not going to tell you to sit down and break the news to him in person either—especially if he has a violent temper. When a man threatens to physically do harm to a woman it should always be taken serious. I’d be rich already if I had a dollar for every woman that has lost her life because she tried to leave a man. Sweetheart you know your husband better than anyone, so you know what he’s capable of. If you believe that he would do something to you, then chances are you’re right, and should get out of that relationship. We can’t take back our mistakes in life, we can only learn from them. I’m sure neither of you are saints, but if you are not happy regardless of the reason, you should leave. Life is too fucking short to be lived miserably. What I would suggest is for you to take that job, and whatever you do don’t let him know where you are moving to. He sounds to me like he’s obsessed, and there’s nothing worse than being with someone that feels they can’t live without you. I wouldn’t advise a sit down conversation, and regardless what I said in my article, your situation is the exception. In your case a Dear John letter is appropriate as long as you tell him in that letter the reason you are going that route—meaning why you’re telling him in a letter versus in person. Sometime people don’t realize how crazy they are or how fucked up a situation is until they read it on paper. A letter is the best thing because you can say what you want without interruption and the other person is forced to read it. Letters sink in a lot deeper than words ever can, and in your situation I truly believe that’s what will do the trick. At the end of the day as long as kids aren’t involved, we all have to look out for ourselves. Always follow your instincts above all else, because sometimes that’s God’s way of keeping us out of harms way. I heard a saying once, that I want you to remember for future use: To make a marriage work you must restrain from putting so much effort in finding reasons why you should get a divorce—and start finding reasons why you shouldn’t.
For advice on may of your relationship problems or sex questions email your question and the name you go by to Javon at: AskJavon@TRIMAXXPUBLISHERS.COM
I just got your book in the mail this week but I haven't had a chance to read it and I know it's gonna be good. On a side note I have a few questions and since you’re open and honest with yourself and everybody else, I figured you'd be the right person to ask. I am not that experienced and have had only a few partners but none I could really open up to and tell them my darkest desires and deepest fantasies and possibly because I don't know what most of them are myself until I "stumble upon it". Prior to engaging in any sex I just had thoughts of what I wanted done to me and what I wanted to do to whoever I was with. And even then I knew that was outside of the norm of what most people do/did and I thought it would scare the guy away, so I kept it to myself, but even from just talking to guys and telling them what I like, they always think I'm joking and laughing off saying "you a freak for real" or something similar. My concern is as I get older the more things start crowding my closet. I don't know if this is supposed to happen or is it a result of suppressing that side of myself and if I continue to suppress it will I most likely unleash it one day on some unsuspecting guy and scare the crap out of him. What should I do b/c I'm interested in this guy but afraid that if I open up to him completely he'll as we say in the south "break camp". Also I'm concerned that if I do take the lid off that box I wont be the same. Kinda confusing ain't it. E-mail me back if u have questions or if I confused u too much.
Anna
He Wants Me To Have A Threesome?
I’m in bit of a dilemma. Been with my boyfriend now for 2 years and I love him to death but the Sex is running dry (literally) I’m just not into it anymore or should I say even him. He treats me like a queen; we have a good time besides that. What’s a sista to do; I’m still young living my life. I’m a lil scared, should I tell him what’s going on, or should I just call it quits. Don’t get me wrong, it was so sweet at first. Don’t know what happen! I try and make excuses; for one we see each other way too much…He’s always up in my crib. I guess that’s my fault partially, it’s his comfort zone. Its getting out of hand, I don’t want to step out on him but it’s about to go down…WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO JAVON…..HELPPPPPPPP
Why do some men not want a woman to treat them right?
I try to treat my man like a king of the castle but there seems to be something missing. I get an angry reaction rather than a show of affection. I don't argue so what am I doing wrong. I would rather talk things out than argue but it ends up the same way, in the bed having sex after a disagreement. what do you think about that
I began dating this guy about two months ago, and I like him allot. However, he has some issues he really needs to deal with. First off, he lives with someone, and has been for 18 months so he says. He says they no longer have sex because she says it's painful. She had a hysterectomy about a year ago. He thinks that I'm going to allow him to fuck me whenever he feels, not true. He shows up at the clubs that I frequent and expects me to stop having fun with my girls' and sit in his face all night. I told him a few weeks ago that he was working my last nerve and I had to stop seeing him, of course got pissed. About a week ago I saw him at the club again, this time he began begging me to take him back. And the brotha actually shed tears, and that really pissed me off. He still to this date has not left the female he lives with and insists on being with me. I told him it wasn't going to work, but I can't shake him. I thought about not going to the club anymore, but then I thought to myself, why should I stop enjoying myself. Please help me!!
You are absolutely correct, why stop enjoying yourself? Sweetheart what you have on your hands is a serious problem waiting to happen. His actions present him to have some serious hidden obsessive behavior tendencies. That can be flattering at times Im sure, but if unchecked can become dangerous. Maybe even physical. My only question is did he tell you that he was living with someone before or after you guys got closer, or shall I say had sex? Either way when you found this out the decision was yours if you wanted to continue dealing with him or not. Remember, you were wrong for letting it go on this long. Im sure youre familiar with the saying what goes around comes around, correct? Before I get off into that let me explain some of his actions to you.
I have been with my husband for 5 years. 2 of those dating, and 3 married. I had been trying the whole time to please him and nothing I did was right. I finally gave up and started doing my own thing i.e. hanging out and trying to get into trouble, but it never works out. One night my hubby got mad and hunted me down and cussed out in the street. He zoomed off and came back to find me because I took too long to come home. So this time he wouldnt leave until I left and then he followed me home. He talked that night and I listened. A few days later, we talked and I told him I was tired of trying wanted to leave. He said he wants to work things out and has been kissing my butt every since. The only problem is that now that Ive had a taste of freedom and remember what it feels like, I cant bring myself to want to be there anymore. I love him, but Im not IN Love with him. Can you tell me whats going on?
Javon64/
What you are dealing with sweetheart is pretty common in relationships where one of the people has stepped out. You were correct when you said the problem was that you had a taste of freedom and basically didnt want to give it back. If Im correct you feel sort of guilty for the way youve been feeling. Not because of what you did, but because he has really been trying hard lately (or kissing your butt) to show you his love and you dont feel the same way. Part of that is his fault if you are telling me the truth about trying to please him in every way in the beginning of your relationship. No one likes or wants to be taken for granted by their mate. If a woman feels under appreciated they are more likely to seek out extra attention from an outside source. Now this works both ways except when it pertains to a man its usually him feeling undersexed. Ive been in your shoes before so what Im about to tell you shouldnt be taken lightly.
My sister told me about your site, and after I spent nearly five hours going through it and I decided to write.
First I want to congratulate you for finally attempting to get over your recent separation. I understand all too well how difficult any type of breakup can be, especially after being with that person for an extended time. I want to also congratulate you on having a friend that cares enough about your happiness to give you the inside scoop on a man that she knows. When dealing with men its always good to have as much inside help as possible or shall I say a second set of eyes. If by chance you are fortunate enough to have a guy friend thats not going to bull shit you even better. Now lets address your situation.
For years I have seen myself as being a victim of being "the trophy". Men I have dated, with no intention of long term relationship (on my part), have used me as their arm candy/trophy. Their intentions were to have me as their woman but I just liked going out on occasions. Whenever I am seriously seeing someone, they want to hide me. What is up with that? Is my thinking twisted, because this situation seems a little backwards to me? I am seeing someone right now but I still get offers to go out with other men. The fact that the person I am seeing wants to keep me hidden turns me off and I have expressed this to him, he says that we will go out more often but, we don't. I love being seen with the person I am with but they have always felt differently and casual dates want to show me off to all of their friends. One guy that I was seeing would never allow me to go to the store by myself, he had to tag along; another, would be extremely attentive and leachy when we would hang out with his friends. When I was younger I didn't mind playing the game but I am a few years older than you and I need stability in a relationship. I don't understand this man thing.
Bravo pretty lady on giving me flashbacks. I distinctively remember acting the same way a long time ago. I will try to break this down to you as best I can without sounding confusing. You couldnt be more correct about the whole arm candy/trophy bit you feel while out with some guys. Having a beautiful woman on the arm makes a man feel like hes the shit so to speak. He knows that other men and now-a-days even women are looking at him with envy in their eyes. As a man nothing strokes an ego better than your friends or strangers telling you how fine your date is. You notice I said date right? Ill explain after I finish with this. When men are dating someone that is obviously beautiful in over 90% of everyone elses eyes the first reaction is to show her off to any and everyone. Now if that man is not use to being with such an attractive person, prepare to be dragged almost frantically from this friend to that friend for show and tell.
Now on the other hand it does depend on the man also. Although it pains me to say it, there are men out here that are just plane crazy. Jealousy is taken to a whole new plateau with these idiots. Im talking guys that are ready to snap whenever another guy so much as speaks to their woman. Guys like that were either dropped on their heads as a child or have been hurt so deeply in a past relationship that they just flipped. Jealousy in every since of the word can either be harmful or harmless, but it should never result in abusive behavior. Its a shame, but many abusive men would rather destroy a womans looks than see her with another guy. Sadly many women are victims of such crimes everyday and to think that it all started from a little uncontrollable emotion call jealousy.
How are you Javon? I go by the name Nubian and my one of my question is.
Hello Nubian, glad to be able to shed some light on this subject for you. Now for your first question.
Lets start with the whole Friends with benefits thing. Funny I just addressed a similar question in a forum not too long ago. Any type of friends with benefits relationship swings more to the advantage of a man. Reason being is that men are more emotionally detached when it comes to sex than women. The majority of men are anyway. The average man would love nothing more in the beginning of a new friendship than to be just a friend with benefits. Basically you are telling him that he can get ass anytime he wants without the emotional hang-ups and 101 questions that go along with a typical relationship. Its just an understood arrangement no less, which can backfire on the man if hes not careful. Something happens in the mind of a man after repeated sexual encounters with a woman thats truly accepting of what the situation is. A booty call here a there and no more! He begins to notice things like damn shes actually kind of cool. She isnt bothered by the fact of me coming and going as I please or calling when I want some. Plus the sex is good! You see although you guys are just fuck buddies you do actually converse here and there. Its during those times that men start to get attached. All that it takes is for the woman to catch a man on low day such as when hes down about something or bored or just a bad day. If she has just one good conversation with him during that time hes hooked. The key is for the conversation to be meaningful. Every guy loves nothing better than an understanding woman and by her not tripping on the FWB arrangement he feels like shes his best friend. If only he could just be man enough to open up and say it, right. You see although every man wants a good woman they are also victims of the (There might be something better out there syndrome.) We all tend to think if we give in and get a girlfriend the freak train is going to pull off without us. This is where a smart woman can win the battle if she strategically plays her cards right. All she has to do is tell repeated stories of how this guy and that guy wants to hook up or be her man to her FWB. Doing this she is actually sending a subliminal message that if you dont take me off the market soon someone else will. Competition will make even the most shy and stubborn men open their mouths. My advice to any woman dealing with an FWB arrangement where the man is acting like he wants it to be more, but refuses to make the first move is simply make him think theres competition. Men are competitive by nature. WARNING: If you do win and get the man in the end it is extremely crucial that you do not change. Meaning just because you now have the prize is no reason to start holding out on sex. Its no different than when we men win the hearts of you women. Whats the saying you women live by? Whatever we did to get you we damn sure have to do to keep you. Same applies with a man.
For anyone confused as to what a selfish lover may be follow closely. A selfish lover is anyone that enters a bedroom with one agenda in mind, (me and only me). They can be either a male or female with either a high or low sex drive. They really could care less about the other persons satisfaction as long as their expectations and theirs alone are being met. If oral sex is even performed by a selfish lover its purely just enough to urgently get their turn without blatantly seeming selfish. Any woman that has dealt with these perpetrators is all too familiar with this frustrating headache that doesnt seem to have a cure. Until today! When dealing with a selfish lover the best approach is the direct approach. Dont beat around the bush, but dont attack him either. Although selfish, a lot of the times his actions may just be the result of repeated unchecked offences that other lovers simply either ignored or failed to confront, resulting him not even being aware a problem exist. In which case this type of selfish lover will be somewhat easy to confront and hopefully change. Some women reading this may feel that their problem isnt so much confronting a selfish lover, but finding the right words to express the complaint once they do. For these women I suggest you try coming up with a detailed list of the things that you enjoy having done to you in the bedroom. If you dont even know what you enjoy in the bedroom how can you complain and expect him too? Next make a similar list except on this one list everything your selfish lover is failing to do and how it can be rectified. The reason for the two lists is to better point out in a logical order the things you are aggravated with. Sometimes just by seeing their thoughts on paper people are better able to put their complaints into words without sounding cruel or selfish themselves. Also on occasion this useful method has revealed that both partners are indeed holding back, or worse the complainer is the culprit. All and all Im convinced that any bedroom problem can indeed be fixed if both partners are willing to meet each other half way. Now if you happen to find yourself with the selfish lover type that blatantly doesnt give two cents about your needs and has no intentions on fulfilling them, I have two words of advice. Dump him and find someone that wants you because obviously he doesnt. 2. Dont complain because youre still there.
Javon64/
What should I do?
Javon64/
Irresponsible Baby Daddy
Let me first say that I thank you for even deciding to use the Ask Javon64 column. While I may not have all the answers I do understand how vital it is to get an honest opinion from an outsider looking in. Congrats on finishing school. Now for the first part of your email.
Sister who can't keep a man after he gets sex
What's on my mind and that of women I know is finding the right man who is serious about wanting a relationship and getting married.
Javon64/
Javon64/
leshaboo & d.j.
The Other Woman
Hello Precious - This is a story that you already know about but for those that don't, I am messing around with a married man (taboo). Yes, I am the woman that every married woman fears/hates. Things are going very well. I have my feelings in check but I am ready to kick it up a notch. My question: Should I unleash the beast in me and put on the whip appeal or should I hold back? There are a few things that he wants to experience with me, and I, with him. I havealready allowed him in the back door, for which, his wife will not do. I was surprised when he licked me after the third time of having sex. For a minute, I thought that he wouldn't do that but he has expressed his trust in me. I ask this question because I am having deviousthoughts of leaving nothing for his wife. We work together and long hours. The job isn't far from my house so I am able to have him every day after work, if I choose to do so. He lives almost 90 miles away so I am at no risk of meeting up with the misses. So...should I leave him limp when he returns home or be considerate? Speaking of "taboo", here's the kicker; he doesn't even want to stop for my period. My family is from Baton Rouge, LA, I know some things and I fear nothing. Go figure! (LOL)
Javon64/
Old Dog Same Tricks
I met a man over a dating site 3 years ago. The relationship progressed and after 2 1/2 years we are now living together and about to get married. I have uncovered a few bad habits of his. He meets women on the internet and is being very sexual with these females. I think this is disgusting!! We discussed this a few months ago and he promised it would be the end. Well, lately this problem has occurred again and I actually spoke to one of the women when she called his cell phone. By the way she is not the only one. I am livid!! He does not think he's doing anything wrong but it is very sexual and it's flat out cheating. This is even going on when I’m sleeping at night. I don't understand. We have no issues with sex, as a matter of fact; I have a very strong and healthy sexual appetite. I can't trust him anymore and he does not understand. This is the worse way of mental cheating I can think of. Is this a red flag? I don't believe in my heart this will end. What should I do? I really love him but this sickness has to end.
Javon64/
Sweetie you need to follow you heart and you know what your heart is telling you to do. I’m all about second, third, and fourth chances but it does come a point and time when you have to pack it in. What it comes down to is protecting numeral uno because no one is going to look out for your feelings like you are. I believe your fiancé does care for you deeply, but he also has a problem that he obviously can’t get a grip on. Internets chatting or whatever you call it is just as bad as internet porn, except in my opinion its a little worse. Worse because unlike internet porn sites internet date sites like Blackplanet.com, Yahoo, Migente.com, are havens for men looking to get a quick lay. Again I speak from experience. Look at it like this, your fiancé could quite simply have a sexual addiction and not realize it. I had a momentary flashback. Weigh all the facts for a moment. If you are telling the truth and your sex drive is indeed high as a base head on cloud nine, this means that he gets the booty on the regular. Now if he’s getting the booty on the regular and you’re a big freak in the bedroom what else would make go elsewhere? A lot of women would tell you that he’s this way because he’s a typical doggy dog man, but I’m going to tell you different. Typical my ass, if a man is thinking about marriage and on top of that is getting sex on the regular at home, the way he likes; he’s not going look to cheat at all, or as much. Unless he can’t control himself! Contrary to popular belief more men can control themselves than not, which is why I believe your fiancé has a problem. I was the same way at one time. I had good girlfriends in the past that had sex with me any and all the time, but I flirted with temptation often and fell victim. I’m not sure that if when you say that your man is very sexual with these women on the internet that you mean he is physically sexing them or mentally, but either way both are bound to end up happening. As a man it took a good minute for even me to realize that although you may not be physically sticking your dick in a woman if you are flirting with the possibility then it’s cheating, and wrong. My honest opinion sweetie is that he is cheating already and deep down you already know this. Men don’t flirt with temptation like the way your fiancé is doing without a main objective. We are only going to have phone sex and internet sex with a woman so long before we set something up unknown to our significant other. That’s the flat out truth! If we happen to get busted it looks a lot better to just admit to phone sex and internet sex than it does to physical sex. My advice to you is simple; if it looks like smoke and smells like smoke then the fire is not far off. Would you rather wait to see the fire for yourself and risk the possibility of being messed up for life from God knows what he catch and pass on, or just follow your first mind and escape with minor cuts and bruises?
Divine Guidance
Hi Javon, I am a married woman and have been for thirteen years now. The only thing is my husband left me after 7 yrs of the marriage. We have two beautiful children whom we both love, yet we are still not together. We live in separate houses, have our own cars, and financially take care of everything in our lives separately except our children. We both have other people in our lives now. He was the first to leave me for another woman. I tried to wait on him for at least 3 of the years without getting into another relationship, but the pain of me sleeping with him and him having other women became unbearable. I know you’re probably thinking why was I with him knowing that he was with another woman. The answer is I was in church and felt that if I did this I could win him back and that he would realize I was a good woman and stay with me and leave the other woman considering I was the wife, but he didn’t. Anyways, to make a long story short after enduring this situation. I started dating a guy in the church for a year thinking he could love me, but that didn’t happen. We only ended up being sleeping buddies and he became obsessive and very controlling even though he was sleeping with other women. I started the same journey again only this time with someone that was not in the church and now this guy was a Jamaican and worked very hard. LOL:) The same things happen again, but in a different way. The Jamaican guy was very charming and well mannered but was a very outgoing womanizer that slept with many women while we were together. I dated him for almost 3 yrs, until I met this guy and we became friends. This guy became my best friend almost, but he lives out of town. I live on the west coast and this guy lives on the east coast. He is a very firm, yet loving guy. He has helped me when no one else was willing to be by my side. He does the same for my children and me that a husband and father are suppose to do for his wife and family. We have gotten deeply involved with each other since we became friends in July 2005 and when we are together as a couple. He is very spiritual and loves God. He is a serious businessman and travels a lot sometimes I hate the traveling and feels like he should settle with me in the west, however I am a little confused and don’t know what I want when it comes to him because he is 52 yrs old and I am 32 yrs of age and when we first met I wasn’t in love with him and still wonder about my feelings for him. I don’t know if I am with him because I know he is a good man to me and my children or because I really do love him. I know that there are feelings but I don’t know if they are strong enough to last with him in a happy marriage. He really wants us to get married but because I am still married and haven’t filed for divorce that can’t happen at this time. I am going to file for divorce I just need to take the proper time and do that in my busy schedule. He hasn’t pressured me because he wants me to make the own decision, but he does ask me occasionally about me wanting him and what it is that I want to do future wise in the relationship. I need some advice Javon. What should I do?
Javon64/
Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie! You are on one serious Mary-go-round and for the longest time it appears everyone has been getting off the ride, except you. The fact that you still haven’t gotten around to filing for divorce says a lot. Subliminally that says that somewhere in your subconscious you still have yet to let go of your husband. I say that because no matter what a person’s reason is for not doing something, whether it is lack or time, or otherwise it still stands that people will make time to do whatever it is they want to do. If you really wanted to get that divorce you would have done so by now, even if it meant knocking off a bank to pay for it. The way to tell is simply ask yourself this. If your husband was to come back after all these years and tell you that he wants to give it another shot, what would you say. If your answer is a resounding yes then sweetheart you haven’t let him go, which explains why you can’t totally give yourself to this other guy. My advice to you is this. I may not know your husband personally to judge him and even then I can’t judge him, but I have to call a spade a spade. Sweetheart if he left you for another woman after seven years together I would take that as a sign in itself. I know you will understand what I’m about to say by the things in your email. God uses two numbers to send signs that his mighty hand was at work. One being the number three and the other seven! It’s mathematics. Don’t you find it ironic that your husband left you after seven years together and you waited for him three years? Then you dated two other guys, the second one for three years before meeting the thirdand I believe might be the right one. Now even you know God won’t force feed anyone, although it is very evident he is directing your footsteps. I believe that the person you should be asking is the Lord himself as it is obvious to me he is in control of your situation. I’m going to tell you something that a good friend told me once. Don’t let the fear of the unknown keep you from getting God’s best. After all true faith means moving forward even when you don’t know where forward leads. I believe that you have a good man, in the fact that he’s older and has lived his life many times. It shows by his patience and understanding. If it doesn’t work between the two of you let it be because you wasn’t compatible, not because you refused to let go of someone God allowed you to be torn away from. They say we hold on tightest to the things God tries so hard to pry us away from. Don’t let that be you!
Porn Addiction
Javon, I have always known that my BF likes to view porn. It did not bother me because I like to view it with him. But, he stopped that as soon as it started because it would make me horny and I would want to have sex any which way I could think of including some new things I saw. What's wrong with that? I don't know, but he didn't like the fact that I could not just sit there and watch it. About a year later, our sex life is not what it used to be. Most likely because of the lack of time we get to spend together and things going on in our lives as individuals. We live together with my two children. And it's not always easy to just get up and go. Recently, I got on the computer and my man said that I should try this new web browser he installed. I'm computer illiterate..lol...but a quick learner. I was exploring the options and found the history. About 75 different sights of any type of woman you could imagine came up onto the screen. I'm not gonna front---I got pissed and jealous and started feeling down about myself that maybe he is not interested in my goods and is exploring other options. Then I was cleaning the room and found all other types of porn. I told him days later that I'm sorry he feels so trapped with me that he has to escape by watching this stuff instead of rekindling our romance. He just apologized. I know problems don’t start in the bedroom, that there is something underlying this. What do you think it is? It's to the point now where I don't even make a move on him anymore for the past 5 months because he always gives me some excuse like, "my stomach hurts", "I’m tired", "its hot" or even "why don’t I find something to do, but later on in the day I will find evidence that not only did he view a porn, but used some baby oil if you know what I mean. I am not an unattractive woman. I am a freak. I need more affection, passion and sex with him but refuse to throw myself at him. Do you think he or me has the problem??? What do I do? I never thought I would have to ask someone cuz I am not down with going outside the relationship for advice. But this one has me baffled. Please shed some light.
Javon64/
Reading over your problem was like confronting past demons. Before I start let me first applaud your valiant efforts to watch porn with your man. Not because you’re being forced too, but because you like too. I think that’s wonderful that a female feels secure enough with herself that she can watch porn with her man and then on top of that, initiate some new ideas in the bedroom. Now to your problem.
Pretty lady you don’t have the problem, your man does. I’m sure you already knew I was going to tell you that, and I’m sure anyone else would also. The only difference is I’m going to explain it to you from a personal point of view, because your boyfriend in a big way was me at one time. Masturbation is slowly fazing you out of the sexually picture. There’s a good chance that every time that you’ve asked him to have sex with you and he gave an excuse, it was because he had already busted a nut, or had a new movie he was saving it for. That probably sounds insane, but take it from me it’s the truth. When a man has a problem with pornography, that shit is like crack. Instead of saving money to run to the dope man he saves nut for a good flick. In a sense the pornography becomes his woman and he doesn’t even realize it. You were correct to assume that the reason he didn’t like watching porn with you was because it made you horny. He would rather masturbate with his hand than have sex with you, but the thing to understand is that it’s not your fault. It’s his fault because he’s holding back sexually with you, that’s why he’d rather masturbate. No one can tell you what I’m about to tell you unless they’ve been there, so listen real carefully.
I was what you could call a chronic masturbator, except I would sometimes masturbate 4 or 5 times in a day, and still have sex with my lady when she got home. Granite, I would only have sex with her to keep her from feeling like something was wrong with the relationship. Every woman that I’ve ever dated knew that I masturbated to porn and all voiced their concern that they thought I had a problem. Guess what, I didn’t want to hear it. I’m willing to bet that the reason your man has lost interest sexually in you is because he’s holding back some sexual things he doesn’t feel you will understand. Take me for example. I’ve always been into role playing but found that it’s a lot easier to ask a girl you’ve only had sex with two or three time to dress up like this person or that person, than it is to ask your woman. Men assume a lot of shit because of their nature most of the time. Most of the time a man would rather assume that his woman won’t be down to try something in the bedroom, than risk embarrassment or hurting her feelings. For me, How do you ask your woman that you’ve been with for x amount of years to dress up like her girlfriend or someone else, and put on a wig, so you can pretend you’re having sex with them? YOU DON’T. That’s a small example. You see, in a lot of pornography films the men call the women every name in the book while they’re having sex, and you know some women ain’t having that shit. If a man calls the wrong woman a nasty bitch in the bedroom his dick is as good as cut the fuck off. In the fantasy world of pornography and masturbation, anything goes, and that’s what’s so addicting. You know there’s a problem if you took your concern to him and all he did was apologize.
Do this the next time he isn’t around. Go check his porn stashes in the house and on the computer and see what kind of porn he’s into. Every man has his thing and or fetish. By looking at some of the porn he has you will definitely learn why he doesn’t bother you for sex anymore. Beware though, you might find something you’re not ready to handle or deal with. If you feel the porn is damaging your relationship, which it can, ask him to get rid of it. That’s a touchy subject if he doesn’t feel it’s a problem though. It took me getting rid of 3 porn collections on separate occasions to finally quit buying it. Ultimately I finally admitted to myself that if I was truly going to have a successful relationship I would have to get rid of my porn. What women need to know is that every man that watches porn doesn’t have a problem. I know guys that watch porn every blue moon, but I wasn’t one of those guys. I wish I was, God knows I do. When you’re addicted to porn it can make you cheat on some good women and destroy happy homes. Why? Because you’re looking for that constant high from different women that you get from different tapes. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to tell if you’re addicted to porn, just go cold turkey and see how bad the cold sweats are in the middle of the night. One thing I must say before I go. I read in a woman’s magazine some time ago that if you are a woman dealing with a man that’s addicted to porn, you should end the relationship and move on. I must disagree with that totally and here’s why. If you are a woman dealing with a man that has an addiction to porn, he lives in a lonely world. Leaving him is just like giving up on him. Porn can become an addiction just like any drug can. When I realized that I had a problem I really needed someone to talk to that I knew was in my corner. Your woman is the best person for that job because she knows him best. Having an addiction to porn is more dangerous now in this time and age than it ever was. An addiction to porn always eventually leads to sexually addiction somewhere down the line, and with Aids steady growing it’s a dangerous game of Russian roulette. If it does turn out that he has an addiction to porn and can admit that, do me a favor and work with him. It’s not as easy as you think to quit. If you ever want to know how hard it is to stop watching porn, just compare it to someone that smokes.
Porn Addiction part 2
Hi Javon! Thank you for your response. It made a world of sense. The thing is, I am trying to work it out, but NOW its harder. You see, instead of being discreet anymore about watching the shit, he is hiding in the bathroom with his dvd player. Smuggling it in there in a laundry bag like i'm stupid and don't know whats going on. He did this two times after I came onto him. He left one of the dvd's in the bathroom and I found it. When I saw he was looking for it, I said, "If your looking for your movie, it's on your chair and just so you know, it is ruining our relationship." HIS response wuz, "No it's not, whats ruining our relationship is the lie you told when you said you like to watch porn too." Make a long story short, I told him that the porn is not the issue, but when I come onto him and he feels like watching porn instead of getting freaky with me, than there is a problem. He said it is his problem and he just needs to work on it and that I am right and he is wrong and He guess he can't do nothing right. He has not talked to me in 4 days. I tried to speak to him and he said he needs distance. (red alert!!!!) I understand that bringing it up to him must be embarrassing and he may feel put on the spot, but something had to be said otherwise I would be giving up my dignity by letting it eat me up. I had no problem not bringing it up until I once again got dissed for the movie and a bottle of baby oil. The way i'm describing this, you would think that I am a mess to look at or a boring person, but its quite the opposite. I'm willing to work this through and reignite our sex eps, but I refuse to throw myself at him or beg for his attention. I guess what I'm asking is from a mans standpoint, does it seem like we are at the point of no return? Do I try to talk to him or wait for him to? When I say 'talk', I don't expect him to completely divulge any embarrassing stuff to me, but at least to try to ease back into the way things were before we got to this spot. Ya know, put the excitement back in our love life. I believe other women in my predicament would be like, "First you insult me with the porn, than you don't speak to me in 4 days!! Oh hell no, you have got to go!!" But I am a very patient person and dont think breaking up is the answer. A cooling off period, yes-but a breakup over it, no. He asked for distance though so I haven't said boo to him. I don't have an attitude or nothing, just not speaking (no hello, goodbye or an acknowledgment of his presence just like he's doin me). I don't know how much longer I can take this and he knows this but does not seem to care. What's your opinion? I write to you because I can't talk to anyone about it. It's too embarrassing and I don't want to put my mans business out there to people who know him. Please help me just one more again!!! ?---thanx
Javon64/
First let me say that I’m sorry the way thinks have turned out for you. Your man is farther gone than I presumed the first time you wrote me. I believe you will get a lot of useful information from the May newsletter, because I dedicated it to women dealing with men who are addicted to porn. Sweetheart, just you writing to me with your concerns shows me that you are in your man’s corner, and were willing to work through this with him. That’s one of the main points I stressed in the May newsletter, which is that it is extremely important for a women to try and understand what her man is going through. A porn addiction is no different than an alcohol or drug addiction; therefore a person must first be able to admit that they have a problem before they can get help. Now the thing I can not and will not side with is a man that knows he has a porn problem, and yet still refuses to do something about it, even if it’s costing him his relationship. If he’s gone so far as to sneak movies into the bathroom he must know that you have a point and something is wrong. Though, it may be that he’s still in denial, which if the case the simple test in the newsletter will let him and you know once and for all. If I was you and he wanted to save our relationship, just his agreeing to stop on his own wouldn’t be good enough for me. I would make him take that test anyway, to show him that he has a problem and that I wasn’t overreacting, because a lot of times a man will say whatever he thinks you want to hear, even if he doesn’t necessarily believe it. The test is based completely on honesty; therefore he could still lie, since you can’t monitor him 24 hours a day, but if he does lie then he doesn’t want help. I can tell you now that your boyfriend is an addict if he’s sneaking movies into the bathroom and is so far gone that he doesn’t touch you anymore. You, I, and anyone else can say that he has an addiction until we’re blue in the face, but if he doesn’t think it’s bad enough that it warrants help we’re wasting our time. Sad to say, but most men and women with addictions don’t realize how bad they are until they’ve lost someone that they really cared about. Myself, I walked away from every woman first; therefore I never realized that I had a problem because of a woman leaving me. Every girlfriend that I had in the past knew I had an addiction to porn, and even tried to get me to stop, but they never were willing to go as far as leaving me to show that they meant business. Maybe if even one of them would have, I would have been able to look back a lot sooner and realize that Javon has a problem. You see, until someone in your man’s life that he cares about is able to make a point to him, he’s never going to realize how bad his problem is. Peers have a lot to do with the problem also. My friends (who were also addicts) would always tell me that my girlfriends were all overreacting, and I could be addicted to a lot of other worse things than porn. To an addict, support like that is music to their ears. Imagine telling a crack head that at least they didn’t have a weight problem due to a food addiction. They would smoke their life away without guilt. Get what I’m saying, anything other than telling people the truth is basically telling them they don’t have a problem. It’s been my experience that you will not find too many guys willing to tell their guy friends that he may have an addiction to porn. It just doesn’t happen that often, which is kind of fucked up, but that’s how guys operate. That’s why it’s damn near up to a woman to take things into her own hands if she wants to save the relationship. Women must remember that when going outside the relationship for advice on a situation like yours, its best to talk to someone that doesn’t really know either of you. This way you can get real honesty, and not someone feeling obligated to take one side over the other because of history. It’s hard for a person to be completely honest when they are friends or family with one or both of the persons involved. So in conclusion I can honestly say that you should ask him to take the test and if he refuses, and continues to indulge in his porn, you should walk away to prove your point. If you don’t, trust me when I say he will not stop. In the event that he does take the test and sees that he really has a problem and wants to stop, I will give you some good exercises to show the cycle. Remember, you’re no good to him if you’re not strong enough to do the right thing to help him.
Porn Addiction part 3
Getting a guy's attention
Javon64/
Jumping Ship
I have wrote to you before on Turning the tables and now our marriage is going on 4 years. My hubby is still trying to make amends of the relationship but we still have heated arguments if I stay out too late, which is not that often. I have slowed down a lot, but now he trips every time. The problem is that my feelings have not changed and I still want to leave. It’s been almost a year and I am still having the thoughts. I even went to my job and applied for a transfer that is 8 hours away. If I get it, I’m not sure how to go about telling him that I’m leaving because he doesn’t accept it very well. I’ve tried about two times before and each time he goes bananas, breaking things in the house. Although he has never hurt me physically, I know he’s thought about it because he’s told me before. I want to sit down and talk with him in a decent, adult manner, but I’m almost afraid of what he’ll do. A man’s rage can sometimes be pretty scary. So should I leave him a Dear John letter and run like hell, or should I try to sit down and have the conversation? Please help.
Yeah I remember you Miss Lady. Sounds like you read my article, “Breaking up for dummies,” lol. I’ve known plenty of women in your situation, and almost all of them used jobs as a way of escaping their maniac men. Now when you say stay out late do you mean two and three in the morning, or ten and eleven at night. I say that because whether you are a married woman or man, there’s a big difference depending on why you’re out so late. Letting the single life go for a lot of women and men is sometimes the most difficult thing to do. You may tell yourself that you’re committing no harm because you’re not cheating, and are just out with the girls and guys hanging out late—when in actuality what’s happening is your mind frame is slowly changing. When I say changing I mean you start to feel single over again—flirting—getting flirted with—and just plain ole having fun.
Now let give you this quick scenario: Guy A is a nice looking married man that loves to hang out in the clubs with his boys and kick it until all hours of the night. He doesn’t cheat—but every now-and-then he flirts a little, because while at the club, his boys are always talking to all the nice looking females and he doesn’t want to be left out. Well he’s been married for about 4 years and loves his wife dearly, but the relationship has lost its zest, and to be honest the sex isn’t what it was the first year ore so—so now that he’s getting all of this female attention it feels good. Now Girl B is his wife and she’s completely the opposite. She’d rather stay at home and she’d rather Guy A stay at home as well. She’s already a very jealous person, therefore his staying out late only makes her suspect that he’s cheating. Now when she questions him about it they always start arguing, because she’s threatening his new found freedom so to speak and he doesn’t want to give it up. Well this goes on for about a year or so—Guy A shows flashes of trying to change every now-and-then, but nothing concrete because on one of those late nights, he did something he knows he shouldn’t have done and now it’s even harder to stop. Suddenly everything that Girl B says or does start to get real annoying and Guy A is about ready to call it quits and get a divorce, but every time he does she threatens to commit suicide. Now Guy A already feels bad enough so he decides to stay and try and work things out, because he doesn’t think he could live with himself if Girl B did something to herself because of him. He’s tried talking to his friends about the situation, but they all say that he should just up and leave—mainly because they don’t live in his house, and therefore don’t really know how crazy Girl B can get. Does that sound a little like what you’re going through?