Here is where I need to know if I did the right thing: When I came home from work my computer had crashed (4th time in 2 months and you know where the virus came from--downloading porn). He says maybe I should call the manufacturer because he has no idea what happened. I got sick of this bullshyt and because we don't argue about it since the last major encounter, I decided to Google some ill stuff myself and leave the history screen in plain view so that the next time he got on the computer, he would know I'm fed up. I googled the words, "Big Black d***", "pictures of T.O.'s bad ass body", "I lost my girlfriend to porn", "U have a problem", and "signs for being addicted to porn".           

Now I know this was going to piss him off and that I was being sneaky , but I am fed up. The other aspects of our relationship is all good, You're probably saying to yourself how good could it be if you don’t talk about this issue? But he is embarrassed and will not stop and I CANNOT get past this porn stuff because it has become so obsessive that I have lost trust in him almost for good and I am wondering what else he would do if he knows the porn bothers me so bad and still wont stop, Then what’s next?? Or, what else has he done?  So I guess by me letting him know I caught him, he feels completely violated and is mad because he has not brought it up in conversation, stayed out till 3 a.m., and when I went back to the computer that night the new google search words he typed in were "Apartments for rent", "room for rent", and the local newspaper classifieds for apartments.   I asked him if he wanted to talk and he said for what, nothing is wrong. We are both all argued out over the subject and in so many words and actions, he made his choice.

So tell me Javon, did I do the right thing by confronting it, giving the ultimatum and playing his game? Or did I go too far? I know he wants to leave because he feels like I am spying on him. But trust me brotha, it does not take a rocket scientist to see these signs and read him.  And if that is the case, so be it. It hurts more that he wants to leave because he chooses porn than the fact that he wants to leave at all.

Please be frank with me as you always have been! If there is anything I should do differently let me know your opinion because I do love him and would hate for this to be thrown away over some bullshyt. He is a good man. But I don’t think it’s me that is throwing away the relationship. It has been over a year since this has become so obsessive with it and we have been together for 2 1/2 years.

Javon64/ 

Hello sweetheart, let me first start off by saying that I’m sorry for the way your man has been treating you.  I can honestly say that I know what you are going through.  You can’t help but feel insecure when your man keeps running back to porn for gratification that you are more than willing to supply.  You and I are way past the whole “is my man addicted to porn stage.”  It’s more than obvious that he has a serious problem with porn, and from the looks of things he isn’t capable of getting a grip on it alone.  As I told you once before, most people are unaware that they are addicted to porn until they are in danger of losing the one that they love.  And even then some of them will still deny it all the way up until that person walks out of their life forever.  Sweetheart I want you to know that you did that right thing, and in no way do I want you to feel guilty.  You only did what you should have done a long time ago.  Good man or not, ask yourself this.  If he was beating you black and blue you probably wouldn’t hesitate or think twice about walking out the door, because that type of physical abuse would be a no brainer.  Just because he’s not physically abusing you physically doesn’t mean that scars aren’t being left.  For instance I’m willing to bet you are more insecure now than you’ve ever been since you two have been together.  Don’t think that insecurity is going to just up and simply disappear when and if the two of you call it quits.  Like all scars it will have to heal with time—something that will be impossible for it to do if it isn’t bandaged properly—and you know what that entails.

One thing is good, and that’s that he seems to know that he has a problem and seems to want help.  The problem is he is going about it all wrong.  I honestly can’t see him not trying to break this addiction if he sees that it is tearing the two of you apart—if the relationship means anything to him.  I mean how does it look having to say to yourself that I lost my woman because I have a problem jacking my dick to porn (lol).  It sounds funny but that’s real.  He would no doubt lie to everyone else about the reason for your departure, but deep down you and him would always know the real truth and in the end that’s what matters.  Now about the computer crashing, I got a flash back on that one also.  I’ve crashed two computers in the same day fucking around with porn sites, so I definitely know you were pissed.  Also, FUCK pissing him off; if he didn’t have shit to hide you wouldn’t have to snoop around.  Believe me he doesn’t want to leave just because you’re spying on him—it’s more because you found something he was trying so hard to hide.  Because if he wasn’t hiding anything there wouldn’t be any reason for him to get upset, and he would be able to tell you with a straight face that you are in the wrong.  You’re right also to wonder what else he might have done because let me let you in on a little something that it took me a minute to admit.  There’s one thing to be in a relationship and be addicted to porn, and watch porn with your partner and get your freak on together.  That’s tight because you and you lover are both enjoying the porn together and are actually stimulating your relationship with it.  Now it’s another thing when you’re addicted to porn and you choose not to include your significant other—especially when they want so bad to be included.  That says to me that either you are tired of having sex with them or you don’t want them to see what kind of porn you really like to view.  Take it from me, a man can only watch so much porn and spank so much monkey before he needs the real thing—so if he isn’t getting it from you don’t push aside the possibility that someone else might be coming in the picture, or already there.   Another thing, he’s too adamant on calling it quits without even trying to fix things.  Instead he’d rather use the sorry excuse that you violate his privacy.  Other women are dangerous at this time because if he asks another woman—outside your relationship—what she thinks, she’s going to say the opposite of whatever you said.  Believe that!  That just gives him more fuel for the fire, and makes you look like the bad girl. 

My opinion—21/2 years or not—is to let the chips fall where they may—meaning if he wants to leave then go ahead and let him.  And don’t you let him see you shed a tear either, because that’s what he wants is for you to have regrets so all of the blame can rest with you.  It comes a time when everyone needs to stick to their guns, regardless of the outcome.  Only then will we get the respect that we so deserve and want.  The only thing you need to do before he walks out that door is reiterate the fact that you do love him and you are not the one giving up on the relationship—he is.  Let him know that you are sorry that he is living, but at the same time you are not sorry for anything else, because you deserve better.  Remember you did nothing wrong and you need to keep telling yourself and him that.  Do not let him flip everything around so that it looks like you are the one calling the relationship quits.  But make sure you tell him that if he is going to stay that he needs to try harder to get a grip on this problem, even if he has to get help.  If he really wants help, you could put a net nanny on your computer to keep him from going to porn sites, and by all means break all the porn movies.  In the end if it all ends I want you to remember that karma is a bitch and in the end what goes around always comes back around.  Believe that!    

ANY INSIGHT

I have been married 11 years 4 of them unhappy but for convince purpose will stay together for 3-4 years. I have never been attracted to any other man in that time although there have been some in me. But a year or more ago I saw this man in church of all places and was instantly attracted to him; he on the other had stared back as if asking “what are you looking at? Then we ended up at a class in church together for our kids and he tried to get my attention but I did not budge, I think he thought I wasn’t and I thought the same of him. But one time he says my husband and I could tell he looked angry. Anyway I did eventually get taking to him of course I had to approach him and he talked a lot in a ½ hour I think I knew the story of his life! But the next time I saw him he stared at me as if to say “Stay away from me” and he sat as far away from me for the next 5 weeks. Although the whole time if I ever looked over in his direction (which I always tried not to do) he would be staring at me. And then one day to my surprise he waited for me and came right over to me sat down and talked as if nothing happened.

Since then he always finds a way to come talk to me( sometimes he has to go out of his way a bit) I did however get to meet his wife once and she started out the conversation with” I guess my kids call you my husbands girlfriend?” I acted as if I did not know of that although his boys has blurted that many time but not since his wife found out. He is Gemini and I am Scorpio and from what I hear from his wife they have a good marriage and he shows a lot of respect for her ideas when he talks to me. He never flirts or gives me compliments (which is new to me) either, he’s almost like a little boy showing off his new gadgets etc and telling me about his latest hobby. He never asks questions about me only if I am quiet and am not too interested in what he is saying he does play off my mood but if he is in a mood I can have him laughing in no time.

I am trying to figure out if he feels the same way I do about him or I am reading him all wrong. If we are at a place we can’t talk he always has his eyes on me even if both my hubby and his wife are present. Any insights?

Javon64/   
       

 Javon64/

Hello, Sharon, I’m glad you wrote me. I’ve seen this type of situation that you’re going through a few times in my life. You’re obviously dealing with a guy that has a control issue. Not to cause any static between you and him, but to me it doesn’t seen like he feels bad about being tired when he sees you. I call’em like I see them, and I’m sorry but he doesn’t seem genuine. Maybe I would feel differently if he did something a little more intimate besides—no offense—putting his dick in your mouth. Kissing has and always will be one of the surest signs of intimacy and affection that two people can share. Think about this. That’s the whole reason prostitutes don’t kiss clients…because they don’t want to send the wrong message. Feel me? By not kissing you, he can remain guilt free when, or if he’s doing anything behind your back. Let’s just be real, if he’s too depressed to have sex, he wouldn’t want blowjobs either. He’s actually acting like he’s some fucking kind of pimp or something, got you sucking him off after a hard day like you his bottom bitch or somebody. Sweetheart, I’m not trying to sound harsh but three years is a long time to be fucking with somebody with no kind of title or intimacy. You must know this too, or else you wouldn’t have written me.

I dated a woman back in my hoe day, that use to always want sex whenever I came over at night, but I would always claim to be too tired. I would give in sometime, but my performance was less than spectacular because I was doing it to keep her off my ass. I used every excuse in the book to avoid sexing her, and you know why? I was tired from fucking one or two different women earlier in the day, so by the time I got to her house all I wanted to do was go to sleep. The reason I even bothered going to her place was because as fucked up as it sounds, I enjoyed her company and liked spending the night with her. Sounds fucked up but it’s the truth. I didn’t realize until we broke up that by me withholding sex in our relationship it gave me the upper hand. The more I turned her down the more she came at me and wanted to be with me. That goes to prove that we are attracted most to those people that play hard to get, or that we feel we cannot have.

Sweetheart, your man does these things to you because he knows that he’s the one in control of the relationship. I wouldn’t consider his behavior a test as much as it is a mind game to keep you a few steps behind him. His resent change in behavior—by taking you out and calling regular—could be the result of a lot of things, one of them being him finally realizing that you are the girl for him. Though, his resent behavior could also be the result of his girl on the side not working out, leaving you in the end. I’m just tossing some possibilities around. I just don’t want to see you get hurt because of wishful thinking, when he doesn’t want the same thing. I’ve had serious financial problems in the past and it never affected my sex drive. And if it would’ve, I’m sure I would have passed on a blow job as well.

Conclusion: He’s not telling you something, and is making his financial problems seem like its affecting him way worse than it really is. Stressed and depressed people don’t have the energy and drive, nor time to play fucking mind games. Although, I believe that there is hope for your situation, but it is up to you. What you need to start doing is change the way you deal with him. If he’s too tired to satisfy your needs, you should be too tired to tend to his. What does he take you for anyway? If all he wants or have the energy for is a blowjob, let him go out and find a prostitute to do that shit. When he tries to get a reaction out of you, act like it doesn’t faze you—even if it does—and tell him that you are in the middle of something and will call him back. And then forget, and call him back the next day like nothing happen. When he asks why you didn’t call back, tell him you forgot…and say it nonchalantly as you can muster. The problem is that a lot of damage has already been done; therefore you have a lot of work to do. He feels that he knows you inside out, so it is your job to show him that you are full of surprises. This means doing things that you probably wouldn’t normally do. Stop being available so damn much, like he’s God’s gift. Don’t drop what you’re doing when he calls. Ask yourself, what makes him so fucking special that he can’t even kiss you? Who the fuck is he? Commitment issue my ass…he’s a player. It sounds like you have made him a priority in your life, when the way he’s been acting you should have been making him the last priority. I don’t know you personally but I do know that the world is full of good guys that will treat you with more respect than him. But it’s no good if I only know this…you have to. So from this day forward, I want you to make a commitment to yourself to lower this man’s priority in your life, before he sucks you dry of all your self-esteem. It’s either that or get your heart broken and later look back to realize that you allowed it to happen.
 
God bless you and keep me updated…  

Indefinite Abstinence

 Hi Javon, I'm currently involved with a man who after three and a half months of dating made the hard decision to become abstinent, as part of being true to his religion. At that time we'd discussed the fact that we would like to get married eventually, and even though I doubt he remembers now, he mentioned to me on more than one occasion shortly after that, that next year would be the year. During a conversation recently he let me know he couldn't give me any idea of when marriage would come into play, but jokes here and there that he knows how he will propose to me. This is a problem. I agreed to abstinence with the idea that marriage was in the near future, and that he was worth waiting for, but not loving the idea at all. Honestly I've never been abstinent for more than 6 months. Now knowing that I'll be abstinent for an indefinite period of time, I'm trying to remain happy in a relationship that is missing something that was important to both of us when we met. I don't want to leave, but I also don't know how to make being around him and not being physical EVER any easier. I'm told abstinence gets easier with time, but how do I get used to it and make sure he and I don't fall into a friends(only) who love each other situation?

MoBetta

Javon64/ 

Hello, MoBetta.  Let me first say that I am glad that you chose to seek my advice, and that I will do the best I can to help you out with your situation.  Now for your question.

I understand what you must be going through. Abstinence is an even bigger challenge when both people are not on the same page.  With that said, abstinence is a lot harder for some than it is for others—it’s especially harder for those individuals that are accustomed to having sex with their partners on a routine basis.  As with the saying that abstinence gets easier with time, I wouldn’t know.  But I don’t doubt that it does, because like with most things, the longer that you go without them the more you start to realize that they don’t have as much value in your life as you originally thought.  Although with sex that’s a little different, because giving up sex isn’t like giving up sweets…unless you are a virgin.  Just think if everyone would have waited to have sex like God intended, abstinence wouldn’t be such a big deal.  Sweetie, if your man is sincere in his quest, then you should applaud him for his faith and courage—but you should also be honest with him, and most of all, yourself.  Think about it.  Three months of dating someone is hardly enough time to really know what the true basis of the relationship is about.  Meaning if whether the relationship is purely sexual, or if the two of you share a genuine bond.  This determination cannot be made until the sexual newness of the relationship wears down and the cruise control of the relationship begins.  You see the first three months of most relationships are so sexually charged that we seldom get a chance to sit back and really take time to get to know one another on a mental level.   It’s almost like everyone is under a spell, seeing qualities that the other person only wants you to see.  Actual this isn’t a bad thing, just a human nature part of the courting faze of the relationship.  I like to call it the representative phase—that faze where both people are doing their best to appear perfect, while trying to hide any and every feeling that might turn things sour.  In all honesty, I’m a big fan of that first 6 month faze of relationships, because those are the months when everything is fresh, new, and fun.  If you originally agreed to his abstinence with the idea that marriage was in the near future, and that he was worth waiting for, you probably did so while under that courting phase spell.  The sex was fantastic, he was fantastic, you both meshed well, and in your mind you had found the perfect man——until he went and ruined it with talk of withholding the dick, am I right?  And even if you don’t necessarily agree with his decision, you don’t want to feel like a Demon for telling this God fearing man that you would prefer to have sinful, unmarried relations, am I right?  I understand sweet heart; believe me I do, that’s why this is what I suggest.

In conclusion:  Always remember that it doesn’t make you a bad person just because you don’t feel you can subscribe to the abstinence theory.  It makes you an honest person, but not a bad one.  Through my countless relationships and flings, I’ve found one thing to be very true.  Opposites may attract, but it is a lot harder for them to go the distance if there religious beliefs are at odds.  The best way to make you see where I am coming from is to give you this example.  Imagine for a second that you and your man were chronic chain smokers when the two of you met.  You both enjoyed smoking together, and even tried one another’s brand of cigarettes from time to time.  Every thing was going great.  Now imagine that one of you joined a smoker’s intervention program and decided to kick the habit altogether.  Now imagine that the other person attempted to follow suit on their own, without the intervention program—although they weren’t quite ready for the change.  Well, what’s going to ultimately wind up happening in the long run is that the person that wasn’t ready to quit smoking is going to start going through some unpleasant changes, mentally and physically.  They may become argumentative at times, and even contemplate jumping ship altogether.  And then before they know it, they’ll find themselves sneaking off to enjoy a cigarette every now and then on the side, instead of just being upfront and honest with their mate and deciding once and for all if that intervention is for them.  I hope I didn’t loose you. 

Basically what I am saying is that if you and your mate share the same religious relief, then maybe you should try delving a little deeper into religion with him.  You never know, it might be God’s way of telling you something.  After all, it could be worse.  Do you know how many women that would kill for a strong religious man——not to mention one that openly admits to one day wanting to get married?  Look at it like this; it’s not like he’s getting the booty from you each night while promising you that one day he will marry you.  Yeah, every woman has had that kind before.  This guy have had a taste of your goods—which I’m sure was amazing—and now he’s willing to try to go cold turkey until you and him can one day make it official.  Not bad from where I’m standing…but, I’m not the one in the situation, you are.  However, if you don’t believe that you can respect his wishes then I do believe that you owe it to him and yourself to be honest.  I mean totally honest, meaning that you should remind him of his promise to marry you within 1 year, and explain to him how difficult this is for you.  Personally, I think that if you set him down and lay all of your cards on the table, you will be glad that you did.  The last person that you want to be is that one that sneaks off the take a hit of that cigarette, while your partner remains true…feel me?

As always, I hope everything works out for the best, and know that I am always here if you need someone to talk to. 

Stay blessed!     

Feelings for fuck buddy

I have an issue that I have no Idea how to deal with and I don’t know what to do....so I am going to ask you maybe you will have some insight. I have been fucking this guy for 9 months now and all we do is have sex when we see each other or talk about phones (I don’t know why)...but in the past on our phones we played this silly game that is a lil like connect four and we would chat on there and we go to know each other. He quit playing the game and soon became jealous. He would count the condoms and if one was missing he would want to know who I fucked and truth be told I only used those condoms for me and him but I did give some to my lil sis as she was thinking about having sex, which I told him and he yelled at me about it, but through the course of things I am now realizing that what should only be sex has turned into more for me. I am afraid to tell him because I don’t want to lose the best sex I have ever had cuz he hits it right every time and always makes sure I am satisfied. I wouldn’t be so scared but in the beginning of this situation we told each other that it was only sex. I know I have feelings for him that go deeper and for some reason I feel that the way he fucks me has changed it is more caring than at first which makes me think he has feelings too, but I don’t know what to do. I am curious how you would feel if your fuck buddy told you they were falling for you and what would you do? And should I tell him and risk losing him or keep this shit bottled up inside?

Javon64/ 

First I must say thank you for allowing me to give you my opinion on your little situation. I truly understand what you must be going through emotionally when you sleep with this guy.  Sometimes not knowing how a person feels about you can be worst than knowing that they don’t feel the same way as you do about them.  Now let me begin.

Sweetheart, 9 months of fucking a guy with no commitment or communication as to where you stand in his life, is a no, no!  Make no mistake about it, 9 months is long enough for even the biggest player to catch feelings.  By nature men are just jealous creatures, and very territorial when it comes to someone that they’ve been seeing on a regular.  But at the same time, this doesn’t mean that they want to be in a relationship.  Being territorial is one thing, but having genuine feelings of love is another.  It’s hard to tell how a man really feels about you when all y’all do is bang headboards against the wall.  Sex can be the worst kind of smoke screen in a situation like yours, because it makes things appear differently.  When this guy of yours was yelling at you about who you were fucking, that was your time to say, “Muthafucka….are you my man?”  That would have shut his ass up quick, and it definitely would have let you know everything you needed to know.  Keep in mind that both women and men only do and say to people what they allow.  You really didn’t owe him no explanation because as you put it…you guys aren’t really together.  But by you going out your way to offer up an explanation, you basically submitted all of your control to him.  And believe me, there’s nothing better than a female fuck buddy that is content with being just that, a fuck buddy! 

As for him being the bomb in bed, and you being afraid to fess up your feelings for him………..bad mistake!  You’re just setting yourself up for heartbreak and disappointment if you don’t, anyway.  You must realize that while sex is the greatest thing known to mankind….at the end of the day its only surface when with someone that only sees you as a sexual object.  Listen to yourself…in a way you are saying that you would rather be his sexual object than risk finding out once and for all where you stand.  I sexed plenty of women in my past that were afraid to ask for more from me….and to be honest, I was damn sure glad they were afraid.  You see, although I would get jealous at even the slightest mention of another guy, I still didn’t like them in that way.  It was more of a, “This is my pussy and I don’t want no other cat easing in and out of it” type of thing.  That shit is sad; I know…but still the truth. Now for your answers!

I am curious how you would feel if your fuck buddy told you they were falling for you and what would you do?

Sweetie, if it were me—and it has been so many times—it would honestly depend on how I felt about the woman.  I’ll tell you this much for sure.  I’ve never slept with a female for 9 months straight and not caught some type of feelings.  UNLESS I was screwing someone else on the side.  For guys that shit matters like you wouldn’t believe.  The trick to us men to not catch feelings for one woman is to keep more than one in the lineup.  Now if…and only if your man has another woman or women on the side, then it will come down to who he has more feelings for, and ultimately which one is easier to walk over. Here’s a hint; the woman that’s the pushover is almost always the one that looses out. 

And should I tell him and risk losing him or keep this shit bottled up inside?

Look at it this way, sweetie….if he doesn’t feel the same way about you then you never really had him in the first place.  The way I see it, that sexual 9 month high that you both were on only has one rider now—him!  You see, now that feelings have entered the picture, things will slowly start to change….at least for you.  Little do you know it, but each time you and him have sex from here on out is just going to pull you in deeper and deeper.  Bottling it up will never work because your actions are always going to show how you really feel.  No-strings-attached-sex is all good in the beginning, but as soon as hearts get involved that great sex will almost always turn into a nightmare.  Next thing you know, you’ll find yourself crying your eyes out after he leaves….all because he doesn’t share the same feeling as you.  What I suggest—and you knew this before you wrote me—is that you be straight up with him and just tell him how you feel.  While 9 months is a good length of time to form an attachment with someone, it’s not so long to where you can’t walk away if need be.  Plus, if the only thing that you’re worried about is loosing the sex aspect of the situation, then you really should reevaluate your feelings for this man.  Don’t let the sex cloud your better judgment, sweetheart—ask yourself seriously….do you really know this man like you think you do.  Favorite foods, favorite colors, strengths, weaknesses, loves, fears, and most importantly, his history.

Now if it does come out that he doesn’t want the same thing as you, then you must walk away.  Seriously, if you don’t walk away at that point, you will be setting yourself up for disaster.  And don’t let him run that game about him not being ready for no serious relationship.  That’s jut a croc of shit!  You need to have more respect for yourself than to allow any man to use you as nothing more than a sexual object.  I mean, at the end of the day, there’s nothing wrong with wanting a mna to say, I love you….and mean it!

Relationship 

I have a friend  who I was intimate with a few times, we are now friends and we talk on the phone and hang out at his house, but neither one of us will make that move—but we have such a deep chemistry.  He claims to have a girlfriend but they are never together. What should I do?

Javon64/ 

Thanks for hitting me up with your question, lil lady.  So many women are going through your exact situation these days.  Either they are messing with a guy who is in a relationship/marriage, or they are messing with a guy that says that he is not ready for a relationship/marriage.  Either way what it means most of the time is that he just wants to keep things the way they are (i.e. no pressure to take things to the next level.)  What you need to do is seriously ask yourself how bad to you want to attach a title to what you two already share.  One of my myspace bloggers made a true statement when she said that men are some fickle creatures.  That’s why I will always tell women to never assume anything when it comes to dealing with men because we are known for sending mixed signals.  I have no doubt that the two of you have deep chemistry, but deep chemistry and the word RELATIONSHIP are two different things—especially when he suppose to be in one already. 

Now here comes what I like to call real talk.  Sweetie if this guy has openly admitted to having a girlfriend, yet still got down and dirty with you, how you ever plan to keep him from doing the same to you one day if the two of you are going through problems?  So what if he and her are never together (or so it appears), you need to investigate a little further into this so called girlfriend of his, and find out why he is so willing to jump in the sack and spend so much time with you.  Now I’m not judging by no means, because I for one know that shit happens in a relationship and people start to drift apart—but if that’s the case then that part of his life needs to be dealt with before you even think about going any further with him.  How he handles that little situation of his will ultimately tell you a lot about him as a person.  For instance, could you really respect a man that continued to hang out and get intimate with you behind his girlfriend’s back, regardless of their relationship problems?  If he says that they have problems, you need to find out what kind of problems and most importantly, why he won’t just break it off.  I’ve seen and done this type of thing too many times not to recognize shit in the game when I see it.  Trust me, there’s nothing worse than being the other woman—especially when you think that you have one up on the woman that’s being lied to, yet he still won’t leave her.

In Conclusion: I think that you need to pump the brakes on the sexual side of the relationship until you can get some straight answers.  This is all about making him respect you and not think that you’re some dick crazed fool.  If the two of you have such great chemistry like you say, then it will be no problem for him to be upfront and honest with you.  Now if he admits that they are on the rocks right now for such and such reason or the next, that’s not the green light to continue doing what you are doing.  It just means that you need tell him how you feel about him and ask him how he really feels about you.  And then if it turns out that he wants the same things that you want, you then need to tell him to handle his business first, before ya’ll go any further.  If you don’t, you’ll basically just be telling him that you are fine with the way things are at the present time.  And in a guys mind there’s nothing better than having a mistress on the side that knows he has a main squeeze. 

Or you could always put yourself in his girl’s shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if he was doing this to you.  That and you can’t really expect to have a good relationship with someone that’s supposedly already committed.  Remember…karma is a bitch!!! 

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Can a man be in love with 2 women at the same time?  (NEW)

Well Javon, I am new to your myspace page and I wanted your opinion on this problem I have. Ok, I met this guy about 9 months ago; we met at work just in passing then found out that we had something’s in common. He sings and is trying to jump off his singing career, I sing too so it was a hit at first sight. What I learned a little later was that he's married, but I already had feelings for him and we had already kissed and had some 4-play but not sex, yet. Now its been 9months we've had sex been on little getaways together and he says he loves me damn near in love with me, but when I bring up him leaving his WIFE, he freezes up and say he can't right now because he wants to see his kids all the time he doesn't want to be a part time father. He staying with her because it will be hard for him to get custody of his kids because their so young and his job is an overnight job. So, what should I do try to get him a good lawyer to have custody where he can see his kids more or just say Fuck it and call it quits? I would greatly appreciate your reply, I love your blogs keep up the great work.

Javon64/ 

Thanks for hitting me up, little lady, I will certainly do my best to answer your question as thoroughly and honestly as I know how.  Now as my granny use to say, let’s get down to the nitty gritty!

Let’s just get real for a moment.  I know and you know that homeboy had every opportunity in the book to tell you that he was married, before ya’ll started getting personal.  I mean it’s not like he was so blown away by you that it slipped his mind that he was married.  What women don’t realize is that a lot of involved men have a contingency plan already on stash that they can put into action as soon as that meet a woman they like.  Now in no way shape or form am I accusing your man of such a deceitful act, but I can lay it out on the table and let you be the judge for yourself.  When I was an unleashed dick in the game a lot of my married buddies make it a point to conceal their relationships from their woman on the side just long enough for her to catch hard feelings.  Now, the reason for this underhanded play is due to men knowing that the hardest thing for a woman to do is walk away from a guy that she has fallen for.  They know that all they have to do is get that woman to fall head over heels for them and it’s a wrap.  Once she falls in love, he knows that he can then break the hard truth to her about his relationship, marriage, or even unshakeable DISEASE!  I can only imagine the look on your face right now after reading that last one…but it happens more than you care to know.  You see, a smart man gamble’s that once he penetrates an unsuspecting woman’s heart he can then feed her whatever sob story he sees fit and she will bite it, hook, line, and sinker.  Sound’s disgusting, I know, but to understand why someone would even stoop so low you have to first look at the situation at hand.  Take your situation for example.  Take a moment and consider the chances of you falling for that same guy had you known his situation from the jump.  Now you might have still found him attractive and the whole nine, but your heart would have naturally been a little guarded.  Men know this, and that’s precisely why they don’t take that chance.  Now in this man’s defense I will say that there are a lot of men and women in unhappy relationships just for the kid’s sake—but that still doesn’t give anyone a pass to trick someone into falling in love with them before having the choice to assess the situation (or drama) at hand.  What I’m about to say next I’m sure is not going to come as a surprise—just as nothing I’ve already said is a surprise.  There is definitely more going on in this guy’s relationship than you know, or want to know. 

Conclusion: Yes a man can love 2 women…but he can only be in love with one.  It’s one of those things where each woman makes him feel a different way, therefore he love those particular qualities in that woman.  But you see, love is so much deeper than just mere qualities.  Love is also respect, honesty, and a willingness to do whatever it takes to be with that person that you so-called love.  Personally I feel that it’s not your responsibility to find a good lawyer for his situation, because all that does is show how much you love and want to be with him.  What needs to happen if this man truly wants to be with you as much as he claims, he needs to put fourth some effort and make it happen.  I mean this is 2007.  When is that whole I’m in it for the kids excuse going to play the fuck out?  It also sounds to me that in his wife’s eyes they are still in a stable relationship.  I say that because I am willing to bet money that she doesn’t know about these little getaways and private rendezvous that the two of you spend.  Have you ever considered the possibility that the two of them still sleep in the same bed…and not to mention have SEX? How do you feel about that?  And if that don’t make your head gears turn, how about this.  Ever wondered why he freezes when the subject of leaving his WIFE comes up, and then feeds you that story about being afraid of her getting custody of the kids——yet he is so willing to take the bigger risk of sneaking around with you behind her back?  Now I’m no lawyer, but even I know that one is looked at by the courts as being more severe than the other, don’t you?

My advice to you is to straight up let this guy know that until he resolves his marital situation, you are going to have to put that shit on ice if for no other reason than to protect your heart.  Nothing good can come out of the type of relationship you are attempting to forge, except heartache.  Believe me sweetie; you do not want the KARMA that comes with such relationship…even if you do end up being the woman he chooses.  Take it from me; there are way too many men out here for you to be putting so much effort into one that obviously not sure (or don’t have the balls) to do what is necessary to be with you.

God Bless! 

What is he saying? 

Javon,

I met this guy about a year ago. We talked for about 6 months as friends. I never had the thought of being with him or even thought of him as a person I would be interested about. So anyway, 6 months into being just friends he tell me "I do not want to talk to you anymore as a friend. I am really interested into getting to know you in a personal way. I am really feeling you". So I was like. "Let's plan a outing and see how things go". We went to the movies. A little awkward and nervousness on both of our ends. Perfect gentleman and he catered to my every need, even those that I did not expect him to. Good person, wonderful conversation, and BLESSED, but that was not my attraction to him as time went on. He started to spend every other weekend with me and that was nice, his job changed and so did his schedule. We saw less of each other but the connection was there. We live like an hour away from each other. I went to visit him and he said something to me that I did not receive the way I should have. It was not until a few friends told me I was wrong and that he was telling me something that a lot of do not say until they reached a platitude with a woman. After that weekend of helping him with his apartment and some minor things here and there. He told me that he appreciated everything that I have done for him and that I was a blessing to him. I just told him good bye. I was caught up in not knowing where this was going that I missed my answer right in my face. I later apologized for my actions but of course it was too late.

After that I asked him where is this going? He said that "we are just dating". I called it off and said that we should go back to being friends. He asked why and I told him and then he agreed to be friends. I did not want to be in something where I wanted more and he wanted less or something different. I do not date to waste my time. I was in a 10 year relationship with a 2 year break after that of being single when I fell for this guy. He was coming out of divorce that took place about 1 year ago from the time we started to date. Could that have a lot to do with him not making things final with us? I am not asking for marriage but something a little concrete. He questions "Who that?" whenever he hears a male voice in the background. He calls and tells me things that he should only share with a close friend or girlfriend. He claims that I know more about him at this point in his then his childhood friend he has grown up with (I think that he was trying to geek me up with that comment). I have helped him out in so many ways, minor to major. From being a wife in some of the things I do. Now I just want to cut it all off but then he throws me a curve ball. He starts to say that he is thinking of moving and needs a change in scenery. I suggested some cities where he has family and he said no but when I stated to him that my mother has a pull on this on position if he still wants it he starts to name all the perks of being in my city. My question is, is that his reasons for moving here or is it me? Does he still want a friendship or is he looking to see if we could work? Right now I am not feeding into all of this but I would love your opinion on this or on what he maybe thinking about at this point. Feel free to ask anymore questions if you need more details.

Javon64/

Let me first say thank you for writing me with your question, and say that I will do my best to answer it to the best of my ability.  I want you to know that I possess a PHD in Sex and Relationships from the Hard Knock University of Life! (lol)  Now let’s get down to business!

When I was reading your situation I said to myself, “If this was 5 or 6 years ago the man you described would have been me, and you would have been the one time love of my life that at the time lived exactly 4 hours from me.  I can clearly see all the tall tell signs that this man in your life is either falling in love with you or has already fell in love with you.  His actions speak for themselves and you would have to be a blind person to not see them.  Honestly, I think that you see the signs just as clearly as I do, but are afraid to go with your first mind (and heart) because of the fear of being hurt again.  I understand more than most, what it’s like to be hurt by a member of the opposite sex.  What its like to finally get back out there on the hunt for that person that compliments us in so many ways, that person that can read your thoughts from across the room and finish your sentences for you.  But at the same time I know what its like to be afraid to fully trust again…to once again believe the sentimental and heartfelt words that come out the mouth of the very species that broke your heart into a million pieces.  Therefore what I read is not the questions of a cautious woman needing a little more clarification on the actions of a certain man in her life—what I read is a woman with a Brinks Security System installed around her heart to keep intruders out.  Sweetie, you said yourself that you don’t date to waste your time.  Well it sounds like this man in your life is not trying to waste your time—he’s trying his best to get close to you.  Now days a woman should be so lucky to find a man that’s willing to share so much with her so soon (and without her prying).  Also, look at it as a blessing that he was man enough to tell you that the two of you were just dating, when what he could have done is told you what you wanted to hear.  The last thing that most men straight out of a divorce want to do is rush right back into a serious relationship.  Regardless how serious of a relationship they are having with the new woman, the last thing they want to do is label it.  Ask yourself…how important is a label or title if there is no actions to back up the claim?  This man of yours man not be willing to come outright and say that what the two of you have is much deeper and concrete than friendship—but his actions definitely do.  Which is more important to you at this point and time in your life? 

In conclusion:   

As for your first question as to what is his true reason for moving there.  I want you to follow your heart and answer that question for yourself.  I know men can be some fucked up creatures, but all men don’t have hidden agendas that involve screwing over nice women.

The same goes for your second question, although I will tell you this.  There is not one piece of booty that is worth so much to a man that he is willing to relocate to be closer to——unless he is trying to establish something long-term.  And you can quote me on that! 

As for the question on him wanting a friendship or is he looking to see if it can work——you already know the answer.  But I’ll help you out just in case you don’t.  No man…and I do mean NO MAN is satisfied with just being friends with a female that he has a thing for.  It is impossible, and it will never work because deep down he desires more.  So to answer your question——his ass wants to move closer so he can hopefully get closer!

My advice:  Fear is what keeps most people from ever experiencing true happiness.  Either way that you look at it, love is a gamble—sometimes you when and sometimes you lose, but if you refuse to play the game how can you ever truly expect to win.

God bless you and may everything workout in your favor!

"What is he saying" update  (NEW)

Javon, I am back again. First I want to say thank you for the advice and your male point of view. I so truly agree with you on what you said. I tried to cut him off even though you said that this guy has feelings for me. Last night he was in such a rut. He called my cell and I did not answer. Usually the calls stop there but he called my house phone. I answered and told him He had the wrong number. I was fed up. He called again and I decided to talk with him. He could tell I was not in the mood to talk. But he decided that he wanted to go through his emotions and trials again and vent to me. But being the person I am, I listened and counseled him and told him how close I observed his emotions and spirit over the last few months and how he speaks and explains in circles when he is very frustrated. I explained the Ursa Major (Big Dipper) theory and how we as people live for the North Star and not the smaller surrounding stars. After that metaphor he told me that when he makes it and things start to get big for him, he's taking me with him. Why would he say that? I decided to discuss his support system of which he says that he has none and he would not have anything if it was not for me. His whole life he struggled as 1. How he was a bi-racial child where he had to prove himself on the streets of Chicago. 2. How he never knew nor had a father figure in his life. 3. How not having the things other kids had. This resulted in heavy gang activity of which his two best friends are derived from. That part of his life has been over for about 10 years and he is a different person today. After that discussion, he went into how he feels as a man to the times I went to see him and how he could not take me out. I have told him that I do not need to be wined and dined but he said it is about a male principle that I would but at the same time not understand.

I also asked why he hadn’t found someone there in his city (we live about an hour away from each other) and he replies the women he meets do not get him or just stop talking to him or tries to see what they can get from him and that's the end of that. I explained the significance of the rib being used to create a woman and how significant the rib is to the back and the spinal cord (I am a med student). When I broke it down to him I just told him that my place was to hold him up when he could not. I want to hold him up and back down when he grips the reigns again, but I can't do this as a friend who love a man as a husband. So my question now is the decision I have made to no longer accept his call, emails, or texts and cut him off to give me some piece mind, or should I be that support system that he says I am and not abandon him at his lowest point in his life? Am I right to just leave

Javon64/

     What your question boils down to is what your conscience can live with.  From the sounds of things you’re in an emotional tug-a-war with yourself.  Also it seems that this guy is doing what I like to call playing to a woman’s sensitivity.  I’ve dealt with both women and men that like to use their painful past to gain sympathy or get ahead with people in life.  Granted everyone has been through some shit in life—some worse than others—but the bottom line is that we all have to one day do as you say and grip the reigns again.  Let’s just be real…no woman wants a weak man.  It’s not attractive in the least bit.  And most definitely, no woman wants to marry a weak man…or a man that is incapable of climbing back on top of the horse of life once he has fallen off.  And if I’ve read your two emails correctly, you have your sights on finding a real man that can one day become your husband, therefore this guy’s wining and complaining is definitely not putting him in the running.  Not with that said you must understand that it will be almost impossible for you and him to take a step down from a possible romantic couple to being strictly friends.  I never asked you if you and him slept together because I kinda got the picture that y’all did not—but if I’m wrong and y’all did, it would really be best to just let it go.  Also I get kinda confused (or maybe you’re confused also) because you sometimes talk like the only problem you have with this man is him not giving you any verbal commitment to wanting to one day get married.  My thing is this…don’t ever let anyone guilt you into nothing that you really don’t want to do.  Life is too short and if you don’t watch it you’ll find that both men and women will always be using you as a crutch.  Bottom line is this.  Fuck all that bullshit about abandoning him at his lowest point—if he’s that low then God is the one that he needs to be talking to.  If you want my opinion—I think this cat is has a few too many stalker tendencies stashed away——why else would a man blow a woman’s phone up (unless they’re married) the way he does, and especially  when he can clearly hear that you don’t want to be bothered, continue to talk anyway.  I’m sorry but no self respecting man embarrasses himself that way unless he’s not playing with a full deck.  It’s either that or he’s not use to being a woman, which can’t be the case because he was married. 

In conclusion: 

Piece of mind is the most valuable thing a person can possess, and don’t ever sacrifice it for no one.  At the end of the day Javon64, your parents, friends, and anybody else can tell you that this man or the next may be a really good guy for you and that you should spend the rest of your life with them——but if you know in your heart that that person doesn’t do it for you then you should follow your heart.  Only you know what you feel inside…I only know what you choose to tell me in the emails.  What I want you to do is seriously ask yourself if you want this man out your life for good, and if you decide to leave him alone then DO IT! Don’t let him guilt you about shit because the way I see it is he had these problems before he met you and its time for him to learn how to stand on his own two feet.  After all isn’t that what growing up in the Chi teaches you, how to become a man?  So to answer your question——yes you are right to just leave!  That’s what’s wrong with 90% of the relationships today—everyone is more worried about not hurting the other person and in the process are hurting themselves the most.

God bless you sweetie in whatever you decide!!!     


What should we do?  (NEW)  

I have a friend who I was intimate with several years ago we

have great chemistry but nothing seems to be happening because we are

both afraid and he has a girlfriend and I have a sometime boyfriend what

should we do he has said that he was breaking up with here.  

Javon64/    

Thanks for hitting me up, lil lady.  This little dilemma that you’re having is probably thee most popular situation amongst the dating community. The problem that you have is really only a problem if neither of you take the high ground and defuse the little outside landmines that have the potential of turning into something much bigger.  No one should ever go into a brand new relationship before first severing all ties with the old relationship first.  To ignore obvious warning signs and road blocks is only asking for trouble.   Good chemistry between one another is one thing…but add his girlfriend—whom is unaware of what’s going on between the two of you—and you got a concoction that’s guaranteed to blow up in your face.  As for your boyfriend (there’s no sometime about it) if he isn’t living up to his end of the bargain then what’s the use of holding on and faking the funk.  Obviously the two of you are finish if you are considering a relationship with another man, so cutting his ass off should really be a no-brainer.  But from reading your question it seems that the hesitation isn’t with you at all…it’s on this friend or yours part.  He doesn’t seem to be showing positive signs of cutting his girlfriend loose, which should throw up a real warning sign.

Bottom line, sweetie….if a man really wants to be with you, he will be with you.  And if the both of you are afraid I think you should sit down and seriously ask yourselves what are you really afraid of.  No form of cheating can ever bring about feelings of surety and confidence, because in the pit of our stomachs we always have that little voice reminding us that we are doing wrong.  If you are really considering a relationship with this friend of yours my advice to you both is to eliminate the boyfriend and girlfriend from the equation.  That way you can ensure that you avoid any bad karma!!!

God Bless!!!       

Is there something wrong with me?  

Hye Javon
I've been a fan of ur blog & subscribed to it
U might not see me a lot, cuz although I enjoy reading ur blog, I feel uncomfortable in participating because of my lack of sexual experience =D
I know that u might not be a relationship adviser or anything, but i was wondering whether u cud help me find answer to this thing that has been bugging me.
I know i'm just 20, still a kid where i live
but i hope u wud take me seriously.

Far as i know, many gals i knew have a prob with dating younger boys. So when i told them that i'm involved in a 3 year relationship with a guy 1 year younger than me, most gurls, wud just gape..
*sigh* Maybe for the same reason, my family knew nothing of him. Thatz only 1 of the reason. Another is, because he's not in college or graduated from high skool with flying colours. When i met him, he sucked to the maxx. Fooling around with the wrong company, going against his family, promiscuity,blablabla..all the taboos i lived by, he did it ALREADY by the time we met.
But he's a softie..Once i get to know him, I knew dat he has a heart of gold, easily moved, n would do a lot for the ones he love.

3 years later
After a string of infidelities ( on his part ), we're settled down in a comfortable position now. We quarrel once in a while, no biggie, like evry normal couples do. Now that I'm away from family, he's been taking care of me greatly. GREATLY. He calls everyday, answers everytime i called, sent me fast food when I crave for some ( at college & can't get out a lot ), gave me money, buy me all the things he can afford me, brings me out with his friends, having no more close female acquaintances, seeing me more than 3 times a week..He did wut I've alwiz wanted him to do. My dream guy..or is he? Why is this making me worried even more? Why am i anxious ?

But how can we become TOO happy? What changed? I know i know i shud be grateful & not questioning this luxury, but then again, now that I'm on the of the world, it would be harder if I fall. He must be the best boyfriend for me, but is there something sinister behind all this? What if he cheats on me again, will I be able to handle it the way i did before, now that i Loved him more than ever?

Is there something wrong with me or other ppl have been where i am now?
I need answers.
This is bugging me.


Javon64/

As for your little problem.  I call your problem little because what you are dealing with is internal fear.  First let me say that you deserve a standing round of applause for going against your parents, friends, and even your own better judgment, and sticking with a guy that is turning out to be a diamond in the rough.  It just sounds to me like your investment is finally paying off.  Sweetie, do you know why it is that every one who invests in stocks don't automatically become wealthy? It's because at the first sign of trouble they pull out of their stock and move on to one that they feel will be a better investment.  How do you think all those people who got scared and sold their Microsoft stocks early felt when years later it was a goldmine?  The point I'm trying to make is that love is pretty much an investment and only those who persevere will see the grand return.  Now like any investment there are some great risks involved, but you can't be afraid to roll the dice and gamble if you have hopes of being happy with that special person someday.  Believe me I understand why you are so afraid.  From the sounds of things your boyfriend's track record is less than impressive...but take it from me...people can change, and it appears that he is one of them.  I'm not going to sit here and tell you that your boyfriend is never going to screw up again because that would be doing you injustice.  The truth of the matter is that he could and he very well could not.  That's what love is all about...facing unexpected challenges and difficulties as they arise.  I already know that you are a strong person because only a strong person could endure the hard times that you and him have been through. 

In conclusion:  Fear is what keeps people from reaching and then enjoying happiness.  You've persevered way to long to start worrying if your boyfriend's actions are pure not.  That old saying if it aint broke don't fix it couldn't be talking more about the situation you're going through. Sweetie, your boyfriend's past is just that...his past.  He can never erase what he has done and neither can you, but if you continue to hold him hostage by that past you and him can never reach real happiness.  I think you owe it to yourself to stop worrying if he is going to break your hard and just enjoy life.  Heartbreak and love are close relatives that you have to one day meet, regardless how cautious you try to be.

As for the age difference, all I am going to say is this.  My wife and I have a 10 year age gape between us.  So you tell me if age ain’t nothing but a number!!!!

 


Was it just sex to him? 

Anyway the reason I am back, you know I need your realness about this and you are more than welcome to share this with the fam, b/c I am interested in there opinion also, you probably have discuss this before but I went back and I don't recall anything to this fact. Okay I will shoot. Well it seem as though I am continuing to run into some fucked up men I guess this is the reason I feel the way that I do about some men!!! Well I met this guy, through a friend of mine. This guy is soooooo fine and very attractive and it was a physical attraction at first sight. Well I met this guy on last Thursday well this pass Thursday, and he was put on me as he couldn't handle me that's how our conversation started, and right now I am kind of in that state of mind and I am really not. I am just so hurt to where I am numb and I really don't care in a way, but I do. Well anyway I heard from him that night he called and then I didn't hear from him again until Sunday. Sunday night he came over we had seen each other earlier in the day and I asked him to stop by. He did and we just chilled, no kissing, but he was very touchy like really all over me I thought that was kind of strong but I wasn't going to sleep with him, b/c I asked him what he wanted from me or out of this, "He" said that he wanted something serious, but wanted to be friends first and get to know me better, then he was like I am really attracted to you and sexually frustrated and I want you so bad well hell I am also, but we said that we would be friends, but go out, kick it and get to know each other but "with benefits" yeah! So lastnight he came over again, all yesterday I mean early yesterday morning he ws texting me all morning "hey sexy" I miss you", You are sooo sexy", what's up with tonight" so he was bascially trying to see was he going to get some. I had made up in my mind that I wasn't having sex with him not that soon. Why do we do that? wait?? will it change anything? No!!! Anyway I ended up sleeping with him and I saw the sun, the moon, the stars, and the mountains, he put it on me. When he left he was very quiet really not himself, I guess the sex was good hell it was good to me and he didn't complain, well I didn't ask. He gave me a hug and said that he was okay.. but it just didn't settle with me well. Well when he left he didn't call me when he got home, on the previous day when I didnt give him any he called, I didn't get a text this morning at all, I had to text him and ask him what was up. I asked him was he actually busy today and he just replied. "yeah" I don't know maybe he got what he wanted and that's it. I am so tired, then I think maybe if I would have held out, but why I wanted him. So right now I am depressed because I really like him, but now it's probably over and all he see is a sex thing, it seem as though the "friendship" and everything is out the window. So what do you think Javon about this situation?? I know just another screwed up sister right??

Javon64/

I remember these kinds of situations all to well, lil lady.  What happen to you was just the opposite...you fucked around and met a Prince and he turned back into a frog...or shall it seems.  You see, right now you are feeling the way you are feeling because you are vulnerable.  You promised yourself that you were not going to cross that line and sleep with this man this early in the game and went back on your word.  Once the fireworks were done and over with in the bedroom that guilt jumped you like a thug in a dark alley.  This happen because he did something that I remember doing on many occassions when sleeping with women that I had no plans of being with.  As soon as he relesed that nut he became distant, detached...and for the most part, a completely different person than the man that you were taking to post sex date.  Now I can't speak entirely for this cat but I will say that his behavior is no different from the way I...or my male friend's behavior once the mission was accomplished.  Every man...and I do mean EVERY MAN, knows the importance of that next phone call after that first sexural encounter with a new woman.  Not to make it...or show any enthusiam when talking to her is a blatant sign of disinterest on his part.  Now the important thing is not to take this as a hit to your confidence...because take it from me, he has the problem.  The warning signs (and I know because I use to do it) were him harping so hard on sex.  Something serious and sex within the first week of knowing a person is like mixing gasoline and fire...the shit is going to blow up.  Attractive men like this know all too well how to accomplish the goal of getting in certain women's panties.  I bullshit you not, after talking to a woma none time we usually can guestimate how long its going to take.  Back in the day when I was a gorilla on the women, I would have chosen you as well...and you know why? Remember when you said, and he was put on me as he couldn't handle me that's how our conversation started, That right there is a subliminal msg that screams...SHE A FREAK!  You know how people get set up with blind dates...that right there is a blind fuck.  If you don't want a man to see you as a piece of meat you should never allow yourself to be daggled in front of him like that.  It's like having a myspace profile page with you half naked on in the pics...but you get mad because men keep sending you nasty emails...TAKE THE PICS DOWN.  Likewise...don't entertain the subject of sex...especially with a man that you know wants to get in your pants.

And sweetie...you don't really like him...you don't know him well enough to like him.  You're just intrigued by his charm, looks...and the way he puts it down. Quit telling yourself that you like him and soon the spell with be broken.  You need to judge this cat by his actions and not his smile.  Let's face it...what's done is done...you slept with him...don't sweat it.  Just learn from your mistake and if he does call you talking soft...which he most likely will once the nut builds back up in his testicles, let him know that shit won't happen again for a long time because yall moved too fast and you dont work like that.  Now after that you can expect one of two things to happen.

he will either respect your decision and get to know you better...or show his true colors and move on.  Either way you win in the end.

God bless!

Thin Line Between Love and Hate (New)

I need your help on an issue that I've been bouncing with for a while now. I had this boyfriend of about 1 year and a half and we got along well with everything going fine. Last September I mentioned the word marriage to him and he basically dumbed me. I wasn't rushin him but I wanted know that I could be included in his future plans. Meanwhile, I stayed around trying to be frineds with him but he still wanted to sleep with me and yeah I did it but that got old soon. I met this guy now that I'm really interested in and he has all the quailites that I would want. he dosen't rush me to have sex and to be honest our relationship isn't based on that. We enjoy eachother and he speak of the future and touch subjects that only woman usually bring up. On the otherhand I told my ex that about the relationship and now all of a sudden he wants me back tellin me that he loves me and that he needs. I responded to him by saying how you going to just up say all these things now and when you had the chance you wouldn't tell me nor did you want to be a relationship with me. His reply was it's different now and you know as a woman I said," The only reason you want me now is because I have someone who's interested in me and want to be with me just the way i am." He responded no but I feel otherwise. He won't give up and let go. How do I handle this situation because the new guy I really do like and we both enjoy eachother well. It's like we've been waiting to meet someone that we could let go with.

Javon64/

Sweetie this would seem like an open and shut case to the average female that's looking for a good man to settle down with.  They would be like, "What's the delimma...you replaced a man that wasn't into you for the long haul for one that was." Or like Sherlock Holmes would say, "Elementary my my boy Watson.  But let me tell you what I hear.

Sounds to me like you haven't fully let go of that ex boyfriend.  What's probably troubling you is those damn "What if" thoughts.  What if your ex really is ready now...what if your ex can make you happier than this new guy.  All it is is the classic Mr. Good Guy vs. the Badboy!!!  Sweetheart it's human nature to be drawn to a challenge...especially if that challenge can lay pipe.  Just yesterday a young woman asked me what can a woman do to ensure that she stays on a man's mind.  You know what I told her? Whatever you do...be sure to remain somewhat of a challenge.  My friend that's the whole reason why your ex's nose is wide open again.  Men are hunters by nature...the thrill of the chase is what its about. Don't get me wrong, I don't know too many guys that would turn down some free pussy...but there's nothing better for a man than to know that he got the girl that some other cat wanted.  You didn't know it (or maybe you did) but by telling your ex that you now have a GOOD man that was into you, what he was really hearing was "Somebody else is hitting this pussy since you didn't want it!"  Personallt, I think you knew what you were doing...I bet you had a BIG ass smile on your face when your ex said that he wanted you back, didn't you?  I bet you anything that your ex was sitting somewhere reminiscing about all the hot sex that yall use to have and thought to himself, I gotta hit that again.  You see for a man there's nothing in the world worse than loosing your woman to another man. But here's what I want you to pay close attention to.

It may feel good to you that your ex wants you back...but you have to keep in mind that its not for the resons that you want it to be for.  Sweetie take it from me, stick with the good guy because I'ma tell you like this.  Your ex only wants you back because you're with this new guy.  I'ma go one step further and say that your ex probably thinks that he is ready to be the man that you wanted him to be from jump street (we men tend to fool ourselves from time to time) but I'm willing to bet that once he gets you back...goes 4 or 5 rounds in the sack for old time...he'll revert back to his old ways.

Moral of the story...you snooze, you loose!

God bless!!!