When is enough enough in a marriage?

Hey Javon,

When is enough enough in a marriage? What is the final straw?

*Javon64*

Before I begin let me first say thank you for having the courage to send me a question that demands nothing less than a candid answer. However let me also say that in doing so (sending me the question that is) you’ve probably already reached this final straw and are looking for a bit of validation on the decision you are leaning towards. ((Wink))

Now on to your question…

When is enough enough in a marriage?

In my opinion when it comes to a marriage, relationship…or hell even a friendship enough is enough when the respect is gone for the other individual involved. You see without respect for one another there can be no love, and the last time I checked without love and respect no relationship can prosper. Know that respect in any relationship first starts with respecting yourself enough to do your part in contributing to the growth of your relationship, and making damn sure not to contribute to its downfall. Respect is also classified (in my book anyway) as having enough honesty to go to one another when there is a problem and discussing it, regardless what that problem may be. Now that’s not to say that discussing the problem is always going to be a rectifiable solution (I’m sure any shrink will tell you that) however this type of initiative does show that both individuals still care enough about one another to try and resolve their issues, which brings me to the second part of your question.

What is the final straw?

For this part of your question I want you and anyone else who reads this to take what I’m about to say to heart.

In any relationship, I don’t care if you’ve been together for 20 days or 20 years the final straw is when either of you (or both) STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT WORK! Haven’t you ever heard the saying that in any marriage there is going to be problems—sometimes major problems— but so long as neither of you ever says the big D word (DIVORCE for those that may be clueless lol) in a heated argument you can make it through anything. Reason being is that that word DIVORCE is basically another way of saying that you are giving up on the relationship and any and all optimism that it can ever workout. Keep in mind that more times than not giving up on a relationship isn’t always expressed verbally, and almost always expressed physically. The biggest example of this, and we see it all the time, is married couples in troubled relationships cheating on one another. And this is not to say that all relationships where one or both people involved cheated are doomed—HOWEVER, it is to say if it is still occurring (cheating that is) then that final straw was reached long ago!

Oh yeah…I feel the need to say this. A thy major final straw in anybody’s book, and this should be a no-brainer although it’s not, is when a partner physically abuses you in any way whatsoever. To do that means that there is no love or respect for the other individual and I’m sorry but in my opinion this type of relationship cannot be resolve. PERIOD!

God Bless…

He wants me to have a 3-some with his nephew or best friend?

I'm in need of some advice for a friend....I could not answer her....She wanted to know if her mate of 15 years was up to no good. Because he wants to cater to her sexual appetite he would like to do a threesome with one of his young nephews or one of his best friends...He announced to them (both men) that he wanted this threesome to take place. They had no problem with it, however, she thinks he will never look at her the same if she does it and not respect her any longer as well. She is also ashamed to be seen by either of them b/c they know she is a freak. Her mate asks her everyday is she ready and she is afraid to answer. They have been engaged in the past and they both have had relationships with others as well and still do.

Javon, I would appreciate your honest thoughts about this so I can pass it on...I would love to help her but I don't think she wants to hear it from me if I've been there and done that more or less and found no problem with it...

*Javon64*

Hello and thank you for taking the initiative to seek advice on behalf of a friend. I hope that your friend knows how lucky she is to have someone like you in her life.

Now on to the question…

I’m going to be very honest with you on this. Your friend’s situation is kinda shaky and she is right to be a little worried about the way her man will look at her after this 3-some takes place. I know first hand that of all the male friends that I have I’m the only one that could have a 3-some with a female and one of my homeboys and still have respect for her in the morning. You see the average man would only bring another dude into the picture if it’s with a female that he doesn’t have serious feelings for (it’s just a man thing…territorial so to speak). Me on the other hand…the older I get the more clearer I view life; therefore, I know that at the end of the day it’s nothing but sexual gratification and nothing else. However, even still…I don’t think it’s a good idea if she does this 3-some with one of his family members. Besides that…this doesn’t sound right to me. To be honest it sounds like he’s been running his mouth about what a big freak she is and how they ought to sample her to see what he’s been talking about. It’s because of situations like this that most women won’t even entertain the thought of a 3-some with someone they care about unless they are married first. Reason being is there is just too much at stake and way too many question as to where we will go after that.

And besides all of that, she’s already ashamed to be seen by his nephew and best friend just on the strength that they know she’s a freak—imagine how she’s gonna feel after getting DOUBLE PENETRATED by the two of them. She ain’t seen ashamed until she sober up and realize what has just taken place.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’M PRO 3-SOME IN A BIG WAY…I just believe that they should never be done with family members. What she might wanna do, being that she wants to experience a 3-some, is tell her man that she will pick the third wheel. I mean I just don’t feel like the guys he chose are the smartest choice. After a 3-some all parties involved should be able to go right back to hanging out and kincking it like nothing happened. If you can’t do that then it’s obvious that either 3-some’s aren’t your thing…or bad choice of partners.

In your friend’s case I’m afraid I’m going to have to give this 3-some a thumbs down on grounds of possible shadiness and uncomfortable environment.

God Bless!

 

 

 

Is this strange?

 

HEY JAVON,

 

HERE'S THE SITUATION. EVERY GUY I HAVE EVER RUN ACROSS THINKS THAT I AM WEIRD. THEY FEEL THAT TWO THINGS ALL WOMEN HAVE IN COMMON IS THE DESIRE FOR A RELATIONSHIP AND THE FACT THAT THEY LIKE TO KISS. NEEDLESS TO SAY I HAVE NO DESIRE FOR EITHER.

 

I TRY TO EXPLAIN TO THE THAT WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS, I FEEL LIKE IT  TAKES AWAY THE FREEDOM TO COME AND GO AS I PLEASE. NOT SAYING THAT I'VE NEVER BEEN IN ONE BEFORE, I JUST PREFER TO BE SINGLE. IT SEEMS AS IF EVERY TIME I GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP, THE OPPORTUNITY TO SCREW A GUY I'VE HAD MY EYE ON FOR A MINUTE COMES ALONG. NOW, I BELIEVE IN HONESTY, FULL DISCLOSURE, HOWEVER ONE WISHES TO CLASSIFY IT, AND I DON'T BELIEVE IN CHEATING, AND THE FEW RELATIONSHIPS[S I'VE BEEN IN HAS BEEN ONE SIDED ON THAT VIEW. THEY ALL SAY I'M THE PERFECT WOMAN IN A RELATIONSHIP, BUT SCREW IT UP SOMEHOW (OR I LOOK FOR IT AS MY FRIEND SAYS). YET AND STILL, KNOWING HOW I FEEL ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS, GUYS TRY TO CHANGE MEANINGLESS, BUT PLEASURABLE, SEX INTO RELATIONSHIPS.

 

AS FOR KISSING,THIS ONE STUMPS EVERYBODY BUT MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO ME. SIMPLY PUT, I DON'T KISS BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHEE THE OTHER PERSON'S MOUTH HAS BEEN. DO I REALLY WANT THEIR GERMS? NOW, I TRULY ENJOY ALL THE OTHER ASPECTS OF SEX, ESPECIALLY ORAL, I LOVE GIVING IT AND RECEIVING IT. AND I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING; YOU'LL SUCK A DICK, BUT WON'T KISS? EXACTLY. THUS FAR, EVERY GUY I HAVE MET HAVE ONE THING IN COMMON, THE PART OF THEIR BODY THEY TAKE THE BEST CARE OF IS THEIR DICK. THEIR BREATH MAY SMELL LIKE THEY ATE A PILE OF MANURE, BUT THEIR DICK IS CLEAN. WOULD YOU WANT TO KISS SOMEONE WITH MANURE BREATH? AND IF THEIR DICKS AREN'T CLEAN, FOR WHATEVER REASON, I CAN ALWAYS WASH IT FOR THEM BEFORE IT GOES IN MY MOUTH (I USUALLY DO ANYWAY). I JUST REALLY DO NOT LIKE KISSING AND WILL AVOID IT AT ALL COST.

 

FROM WHAT I'VE BEEN TOLD, I AM ONE OF FEW WOMEN THAT IS LIKE THIS. I'VE FOUND SOME WHO DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP AND SOME WHO DON'T KISS. BOTH USUALLY HAVE STIPULATIONS. BUT I HAVE NEVER FOUND ANOTHER WOMAN LIKE ME. SO HONESTLY, AM I A WEIRDO?

 

 

*Javon64*

 

Baby girl; let me start off by saying that in no way are you a weirdo. There’s nothing at all wrong with the way you feel about kissing…and especially the way you feel about relationships. For the record when I was a loose canon, out screwing every woman I could stick my dick in I was the exact same way. And ironically to this day my sister is the same way you are. The only difference as to why my sister and I were that way is because to us kissing is way too intimate and meaningful to be shared with just anyone. Kissing just anybody can and usually always does send the wrong message, and being that you don’t have any desire for a relationship I think you’re doing the right thing by avoiding this sure sign of affection.

 

As for men not being very accepting of your not wanting a relationship, that has more to do with society and the way men are raised. You see most men have been conditioned to believe that all women want three things; love, marriage and children, therefore when they come across a female that thinks the way they do they don’t feel needed. Believe it or not if more women felt the way you do, or could at least pretend like they felt the same way, they could get men to behave the way they want and get them to commit a lot faster than they do chasing behind them.

 

In a nutshell, keep on doing what you’re doing and the day you do decide that you’re ready to settle down continue to do it and watch how fast you find a man and are able to keep him.

 

God bless! 

 

Is he the one for me?

Hi Javon,

 

I met this guy for like two months now and I am really starting to have deep feelings towards him. When I met him I knew that he had a girlfriend but he told me that they were having minor problems and it was not a big deal. Well he just move into his new place and I never knew that she would move in with him because he showed me his place while he was in the process of moving. Then soon or later she started staying with him. This man has started telling me how much he is in love with me and has told his mom and sister that I will be his wifey and has told other people. He had my car the other day and her mom seen him in it and he said he told her that he got a new girlfriend. Now his girlfriend mother has told her daughter about what he has been saying.  Everything is out in the open and she has found out about what he is doing but she is still there? So I ask he what is he going to do and he stated that he will keep loving and seeing me for the rest of his life. I tried not to be pushy about the whole situation but he needs to make a decision. He claims that we are going to be together real soon. I'm living my kids and sometimes he tells me he is coming and never shows up and I am wondering do he say this because he don't want anyone else here or is he telling me what I want to hear?  I am just confused so should I ask him am I in his way or what?

 

 

Javon64

 

As soon as I started reading your question I immediately started shaking my head the moment you said that he had a girlfriend when the two of you met. The fact that he had a girlfriend and told you that they had minor problems should have been a big red flag. Although still I will admit that sometimes things just don’t workout between two people therefore when someone new comes along and there’s chemistry it’s hard to resist wondering where it might go. Although that may be the case with you and this guy the best thing for your heart and peace of mind would have been to tell homeboy to handle his business at home before starting something up with you. (Don’t you hate it when someone tries to tell you what you should have done…after the fact? Lol) Sweetie, keep in mind I’m just telling you for future reference, in case this sort of situation happens again. Now let’s break down this man of yours. I’ll break it down in sections by the way you explained it so that you can understand better what’s going on.

 

 

I met this guy for like two months now and I am really starting to have deep feelings towards him. When I met him I knew that he had a girlfriend but he told me that they were having minor problems and it was not a big deal.

 

This part is self-explanatory—he knew from jump street that he and his girl had a ways to go before they would part ways. Nine times out of ten the problems they were/are having are so minor that they are hardly enough to split apart over. 

 

 

Well he just move into his new place and I never knew that she would move in with him because he showed me his place while he was in the process of moving. Then soon or later she started staying with him.

 

This probably went one of two ways. There’s a very good chance that her moving in was only a big surprise to you and you only. He on the other hand knew she would be staying with him, but how would he look telling you that. However keep in mind that depending on how long two people have been together the average relationship takes a while to totally dissolve because of all the feelings and emotional baggage that we collect while going along together. Don’t believe me just think back to a past relationship and recall how long it took you to truly say you were over that person. Chances are if you were together for more than a year it was a good while before you totally purged that person out your mind for good…if you ever did. So I say that to say that although you may want him to just cut things off with his girl that shit is definitely easier said than done.  

 

This man has started telling me how much he is in love with me and has told his mom and sister that I will be his wifey and has told other people. He had my car the other day and her mom seen him in it and he said he told her that he got a new girlfriend.

 

Nothing new here, men tell women that sort of thing every minute of every day, luv. Now I’m not trying to say that he isn’t sincere, just that it would be best not to hold a lot of value in his ability to let the word love flow from his lips. Even you know that actions speak louder than words. As for him telling other people…only believe that when you hear it with your own ears and don’t be so quick to take his word as the gospel.  

 

Everything is out in the open and she has found out about what he is doing but she is still there?

 

This doesn’t surprise me because it’s basically like I told you, the emotional baggage that we accumulate while in relationships can sometimes make us do some silly shit—like staying in a relationship that expired long ago.

 

 

So I ask he what is he going to do and he stated that he will keep loving and seeing me for the rest of his life. I tried not to be pushy about the whole situation but he needs to make a decision. He claims that we are going to be together real soon.

 

I’ve seen so many people fall victim to this cliché line that I’ve decided to explain it a little differently to make you understand it better. Sometimes it’s hard for us to grasp what we are going through only because it’s us going through it, so I’ll put it this way for you.  What if your mother, sister or close girlfriend was in your situation and came to you and told you everything you just told me and then said that the guy keeps telling them that they will be together soon. What would you say to them? Would you tell them, based on the things you told me, that he sounds like a sincere, trusting kind of guy and they should believe him…or would you tell them he is full of shit and to keep their guard up?

 

 

I'm living my kids and sometimes he tells me he is coming and never shows up and I am wondering do he say this because he don't want anyone else here or is he telling me what I want to hear? 

 

The first time he did that should have been the last time. Remember, luv, a man or anyone for that matter will only go as far as YOU let them. If you were the type of woman that didn’t stand for that type of crap believe me he wouldn’t dare try it.

 

 

I am just confused so should I ask him am I in his way or what?

 

There’s truly nothing to be confused about. Either he is going to be with you or not. The longer you allow him to put you on hold the longer you will be on hold, period. You need to call him and tell him that you and he need to have a serious talk because you have some things to get off your chest. Write down everything you want to talk about so that you don’t leave nothing out and let him know how you feel. Because frankly 2 months is too long for anyone to be strung along unless they understand the rules of the game, but most importantly…comfortable playing second fiddle. Though that role of second fiddle isn’t for everyone. But I’m sure you more than understand that.

 

 

God Bless!

 

His Wife is PREGNANT!

Hey Mr. I've got so much to say so many feelings inside I have NO clue what I'm gonna do. So I'm asking you… you don’t have to post, I don’t care, but if you do please reword… so he won't know! But This guy…MAN, He's gotten the WIFE pregnant, (I know that I shouldn’t be mad, and She is HIS wife, ) and expects me to stick around." He Loves me and doesn’t want to see me go" (BLAH BLAH) Man I won't/can't do that… if I'm fighting for a few days a week now, what the hell will it be like with a new born? Yeah I quit… I know you’ve heard this before, but because I want a kid, and I feel like he's lied to me, I don’t think I can see him the same anymore. So J, feel my pain…Please.

Javon64

 

Hello, lil lady…

There isn’t really too much I can say on this issue because I’m sure whatever I could say you already know. Everyone knows the unfortunate repercussions of getting in too deep with a married man. It’s truly know different than going to the casino and risking your life’s savings on the crap tables because you never know how it’s going to turn out. Wait a minute, yes you do. The house always wins, right? Chew on that for just a moment.

Now being that I am quite familiar with your situation I can say with almost certainty that this guy does have deep feelings for you. However you will always come second to his wife, which is what the real problem is. A part of you should also question if this pregnancy with deliberant. I seem to recall you writing me some time ago and saying that he was jealous of his wife starting to hangout late and run the streets, which pissed you off being that you and he were messing around. Just a thought.

I will say that I do feel your pain, pretty lady. After all you are only human and we all make mistakes. No one…and I do mean no one is perfect. Remember it’s the mistakes we make in life, no matter how big, that mold us. Take me for instance. If I hadn’t made the countless mistakes in my past and present and endured the repercussions I would late the necessary knowledge to inform you, correct? That’s why although you may be hurting at the moment what you are going through can only make you stronger and more aware in the end. Just look at it this way. No matter how many times you warn a child not to touch a hot stove they will still eventually have to find out for themselves and get burned. And only then will they understand that all the countless warnings were for their own good and hence avoid hot stoves at all cost. Your situation is no different.

Or do you have to get burned again and again?

 

God Bless.

 

 

Recognizing Game

 

Hi Javon, it’s me again and I decided to ask this guy some of the stuff I had on my chest. I asked him if I he really wanted a relationship and why all of suddenly since its out in the open he got scared, which seems like to me that he is changing slowly but he does not realize that. I also told him I think he is happy with his girlfriend and I would step aside.  He stated that he knows what he wants and he have to do it in a safe way. What does that mean? From my understanding he is SO CONFUSED? I truly believe he is telling me one thing and telling her the next. For instance, he claims she know about me and him being that she went through his phone and got the information she needed  then why is she still holding on. I choose not to be second never did and never will but my thing is don't have me waiting or wasting my precious time. Men do some crazy things I have never seen anything like this. Actually I have never been in a situation like this so I'm trying to get the full understanding.

 

Javon64

 

Hello, Ms. Lady, glad to see that you took my previous advice. As always I hope my insight helps you in every way that it can.

 

Sweetheart, what you are going through is typical behavior of a guy that clearly hasn’t made his mind up yet as far as which one of you he wants. You are truly more knowledgeable than you think on the game that he’s trying to run on you. The problem here isn’t him…it’s you following you woman’s intuition and going with your first mind. In other words you can bet your sweet ass he’s telling her one thing and telling you another. Sure, she may know about you—however I bet she doesn’t know the extent to which you guys are involved. And excuse my French, but what the fuck is doing it in a SAFE WAY???? Sounds to me that what he wants to do is figure a clever way to be with one of you while not having to tell the other the truth, all in hopes of not burning his bridges just in case shit don’t work out. Sweetie, the signs are all right in front of your face. All you have to do is pay attention when he’s telling on himself. Just ask yourself this. Why would she feel the need to go searching through his phone for information if he’s not her property to begin with? That type of behavior only happens when two people are involved and one of the two is suspected of creeping and can’t be trusted. Don’t believe me, just ask yourself what you would do is you was with a guy you suspected of cheating. The first place you would probably check is his cell phone. As for your question as to why that poor girl would be hanging on after finding your information in his phone, that’s easy. Just ask yourself that same question as to why you are still hanging on to a man that is obviously still involved with his baby moms and you will have your answer.

 

God Bless.